Half a Cup of Blues ...

Home Grown Blues...

2008-03-01T21:27:00.000-08:00

So...

Yibbyl and I put an offer on a house about 6 weeks ago.

The house was up for a short sale just prior to being foreclosed on. We did not hear anything back regarding our offer. The house went up for public auction on the court house steps. Yibbyl was there and nobody made an offer on the house at all (opening bid was several thousand dollars higher than our offer).

Then we hear that foreclosure and auction papers will not be entered at the courthouse for 30 days while they go back and consider our offer.

Meanwhile, the house has been left unlocked at least twice that we know of. The second time it had been vandalized and both bathrooms had damage and missing stuff.

We go weeks and still do not hear anything so we amend our offer and drop it $14k because we are fairly frustrated at the whole lack of response that we're getting.

This house needs a ton of work but it has some really neat things going for it like a 2 acre lagoon off the backyard that you can fish or kayak in.

Waiting sucks.

Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls...

2007-11-05T20:27:00.001-08:00

Yibbyl and I ignored that advice.

Yesterday, we took a scenic drive north to Dunsmuir and walked to Hedge Creek Falls.
Then we drove to McCloud and visited the Lower and Middle Falls.

We had a lovely day of sightseeing and spending time together.

This is the front of Hedge Creek Falls.

And this is the view from behind the waterfall.

This one is Lower Falls on the McCloud River.
Is that a stone Tiki head on the right?

This one is Middle Falls on the McCloud River.

And this was the view of Mount Shasta as we headed home.

I'm a Grandma!

2007-10-25T21:16:00.000-07:00

She is such a cutie pie!

What Makes Me Happy?

2007-09-25T19:19:00.000-07:00

Spending time with this guy.
That makes me happy.
The ocean is nice, too.

More Flowers...Awash in Color.

2007-09-25T19:03:00.001-07:00

Weekend in Eureka...Flowers Galore!

2007-09-22T18:55:00.000-07:00

Smoke From a (not so) Distant Fire...

2007-09-06T20:43:00.001-07:00

Yibbyl and I drove right by Lake Almanor on our way home from Reno this last Monday afternoon. We had to have been in the area just as the fire began. This is truly lovely forest land that is being engulfed right now. The morning news stated that they have been having 100' high walls of flames. The flames have been creating their own weather patterns by shifting wind flurries as the tops of trees explode.

Current statistics about the "Moonlight Fire" can be found here.

I know that no "human" homes or lives have been lost yet but the animal world has certainly had casualties. The air is very smoky and many people are having breathing issues. Please, send positive energy this way.

The First Week...

2007-08-25T08:57:00.000-07:00

I finished the first week at the new school and I was about the most exhausted that I have been in a very long time!

These young boys bounce off of the walls like squirrels on crack!

The week culminated with Yibbyl following me to work early on Friday morning so he can measure the closet in my office for shelves. School doesn't start until 8:30 but at 7:45am a little boy stumbles into the classroom wearing only flip flops, swimming trunks, and a towel. I ask what he's doing here so early and he tells me that he slept outside all night and could not get dressed for school because his mom was hitting him. He was hungry. He was tired. He was half-dressed. And he came to school because it was the safest place he knew.

I get a t-shirt for him and give him a hug as the principal comes in to see what's going on. Mr. G takes him to his office where they can fill out the paperwork (CPS) and call mom to bring us his clothes, food, and medications.

During all of this Yibbyl was right inside of the office in my classroom and I can only guess at what he was thinking. This is the world of working with severely emotionally disturbed kids. They are a package deal with their families and all of the baggage that comes with that. And, as a teacher, you can never, ever condemn the family. In most cases, they, too, are doing the best that they can. You can only provide a safe place, give lots of love and support, and make reports when you hear and see things that you know are not right. And even then you usually only have a small piece of the whole story. Family dynamics are often quite complex.

This is already looking like it is going to be a very interesting year.

Today's Plan: Relax and enjoy my own family.

Comedy of Errors...

2007-08-01T09:15:00.000-07:00

Yibbyl and I took the Goobers to the airport to catch their plane to Missouri to their dad's.

Unfortunately, it was the wrong airport.

We were in Sacramento 2 hours before takeoff and had to scramble to get to Oakland.

We arrived at the terminal as the plane was loading but it took off before they could get through security.

Of course, it was the last plane of the day heading to Kansas City.

What else could we do but find a hotel room, buy some toiletries and clean undies and hope for some good luck with standby status the next day.

We were too late for the 6:40am flight but they had room on an 8:30am flight.

The boys are now with their dad and only one of them will be coming home in 2 weeks.

I'm heading in to the school to pack up some more of my personal stuff and clear my old classroom out.

Some memories you just can't put into a box.

Today's Plan: Breathe deeply, smile, and turn in my keys.

It's Official...

2007-07-28T08:08:00.000-07:00

I'm unemployed, without medical insurance, and recovering from a kidney infection.
My blood pressure was the lowest it has been in ages this morning.

Life is good.

Really.

We're going rafting down the river later today.
I'm nervous but getting back in the water will be good for me.

Today's Plan: Relax and enjoy...

Bite me...

2007-07-02T14:11:00.001-07:00

No, thank you!

Six yellow jacket stings were more than enough.
Stinkin' buggers attacked me in the front yard while I was watering.
The swelling was spectacular to behold but it's much better now!
I'll be on Keflex for 10 days due to the bacterial infection.
I don't even want to know what they were chewing on before me.

July 27th will be my last day at work.

Life will get better.
I will feel much less stressed & depressed.
I will rejoin the living.

~M~

This Last Saturday ...

2007-06-18T09:05:00.000-07:00

I came closer than I ever want to be to dying and lived to tell about it.

Not that I feel like talking about it at all.

My life did NOT pass before my eyes.

Drowning is NOT a peaceful way to go.

Yibbyl is a lifesaver. Truly.

~M~

Leap of Faith...

2007-05-23T10:36:00.000-07:00

I gave a verbal resignation on Monday and made it official (in writing) today.

I do not have another job lined up yet but I am banking on my skills and experience carrying me through.

My last day will either be June 30th or July 27th depending on what the school works our for summer school payscales.

Yibbyl has been a solid rock of support through this. I am so very lucky to have him in my life.

Blues...

2007-05-02T18:28:00.000-07:00

*sigh*

17 year old son decided to have sex with his girlfriend.
They broke up.
16 year old girl is pregnant.
He's ADHD and she is bi-polar/anorexic.
She wants to be a mommy.
How can this possibly end well?

I've put in a job application for another school.
If I don't hear back within 3 weeks then I have to sign for another year at my current school.
Another teacher resigned 2 days ago.
We only have 7 classrooms now.
We've lost over 15 teachers in the last 5 years.
We've had 5 principals in the last 5 years.
Things have got to get better.

The other 17 year old decided to move to Missouri this summer.
I'm not as upset about that as people might expect.
He needs to see his dad as a real man and not the fantasy he has of him.

Yibbyl is sexy, sweet, supportive...
I could go on and on about him.

That's about it.

Collective Soul(less) Irony

2007-01-12T17:03:00.000-08:00

"Better Now"

Oh I'm newly calibrated
All shiny and clean
I'm your recent adaptation
Time to redefine me

Let the word out I've got to get out
Oh I'm feeling better now
Break the news out I've got to get out
Oh I'm feeling better now

Oh I'm happy as Christmas
All wrapped to be seen
I'm your recent acquisition
Time to celebrate me

By Collective Soul

I've pretty much dropped off the radar since school started back last August. For the few people who do look and check in - I am sorry. Most of you know how much I love working with the kids that I do and how challenging the job has been with 4 principals in the last 5 years and the massive changes that our school has had to go through.

Well, I hate to say it but things got worse. I have been with the company for over 16 years and I am a flexible and creative person so I know that it isn't just me being resistant to change. 80% of the people that I loved working with have already left. The few who remain are more miserable than I am. It is, in fact, their misery that compounds my own because I am helpless to make it any better. We have even more huge changes coming up in the next few weeks. I am cautiously hoping for something positive to come from all of this (even if that means exploring new schools for me).

It has taken so much energy and will to get through the last 18 weeks that there has been very little left for anything other than survival. I have not chatted online with the people that I adore (you know who you are) and I have not even picked up my camera to take pictures or listened to hardly any music. I know that those last two things above all others are a big indication that I need to pull out of the funk (euphemism for melancholy/depression) before it consumes all that is good.

The goobers and Yibbyl have been total troopers in giving me lots of space when I cycle through grumpiness or tearfulness but it isn't fair to ask them to do that indefinitely. I don't want to use medication (though I would if it really came to that) because I truly feel that most of this situational and if I can make it until my contract expires in June then I will be past the worst of it. It is all that time between now and then that has me a little bit concerned.

It seemed like the timing of my dad's sudden health issues and death were just some kind of karmic trainwreck of bad timing. Then, as if I needed something else to worry about, my step-mom was not sober enough to participate in anything at all. My sister and I had to make the arrangements at the funeral home (he died in Oklahoma and had to be returned to the tiny town in Texas where my grandmother is) and that made us responsible for the bill, too. Ain't life grand?

I always seem able to help the kids at school to see the many positive things in their lives despite the other crap that they have had to deal with. And I DO know the great things going on in my own life. Sometimes it just feels like the garbage truck of life is dumping on my head and I have to get out from under it somehow. Isn't that just petty and stupid? I should be grateful. I should be happy. I should just shut up.

I can and will get through this. I miss my friends at RP. I miss my camera. I miss the music.

I miss me.

Today's Plan: Get a plan, find one, make one, borrow one if I have to, feel better then celebrate me.

R.I.P.

2006-12-12T09:04:00.000-08:00

J.D.P.
5/27/42 - 12/02/06

My father is dying.

2006-12-01T13:30:00.000-08:00

And, selfish as it is, I do not want comfort.
Comfort brings an obligation of response.
I do not want to respond right now.
I want to be alone.

Craziness is Contagious ...

2006-09-17T16:45:00.000-07:00

You can use my classroom for scientific experimentation and prove that this theory is, indeed, correct.

I have some great pictures and memories from our summer vacation to share and will get back in here and write about them as soon as I can. Right now I have to say that Oregon and Washington are spectacularly beautiful, BHD and hobbitt are kewler than cool, and I wanted my vacation to continue much longer than it did.

The craziness at work is not really all about the kids. I can usually handle that as I get to know the new ones. The administrators, however, are KILLING us with paperwork demands that are interefering with our ability to actually work WITH the kids. On top of that we have Back To School night this week and I still have not caught up with the computer grading since I have been chasing kids around the campus and up the hill for the last 2 weeks. It is a conspiracy to drive me crazy. Really. It is.

It's working.

Wish me lots of luck and patience because I need way more than I currently have!

Phyllo Me ...

2006-07-31T20:11:00.000-07:00

So I was watching Paula Dean on the Food Network channel and she made what looked like a quick and easy asparagus appetizer with phyllo dough.

I think I can do that!

I've been busy scouting the internet for other phyllo dough recipes and will try some while I am on vacation this week or next. I did find an interesting website called Too Many Chefs that had some great links, stories, and recipes. Check them out if you get a chance!

Anyways, while looking in the freezer to see what meat I was going to take out for tomorrow's dinner I came across another appetizer that I had planned on sharing with Yibbyl. It, too, was made with phyllo dough so I took that as an omen and brought it out and baked it for dinner. YUM! It was Spanakopita from Impromptu Gourmet and it really was scrumptious!

I am definitely going to be experimenting with phyllo so I'l keep y'all posted with the good, the bad, and the delectable outcomes!

Today's Plan: Find some yummy phyllo recipes and make a grocery list!

Avenue of the Giants ...

2006-07-24T18:22:00.000-07:00

On the second day of our roadtrip we drove along the Avenue of the Giants in Humboldt County. It was not quite as cool here even though there was a ton of shade. The redwood trees were incredible and majestic. Here are a few of the pictures that we took:

This one is of Chris (Goober) walking across a fallen redwood that is covered with the biggest clover plants that you have ever seen!

This was at the base of the first big redwood grove that we came across.

This is the Immortal Tree and the information about it is in the picture down below.

That is one seriously well aged tree! And it could make several houses!

This is the Eel River and the guys are standing on the remains of an old ghost town when they take the picture.

We drove through this tree! And high-centered doing it, too!

I told you that the clover was HUGE! That's my hand holding one.

And one last wildflower picture that still needs to be identified.

Stay tuned for the next adventure!

Cooling Down in Trinidad...

2006-07-22T22:43:00.000-07:00

Here we are at the Ocean Grove Lodge in Trinidad, California.

It was supposed to be 113 degrees back home so we came to the coast for a COOL weekend getaway. It's only around 65 degrees here!

We checked in early and then drove over to Patrick's Point and walked down to Agate Beach.

This is the view from the lookout at the top of the bluff.

And this is the view from down below at the beach level. You should thank me now for NOT taking pictures of the very large and very dead sea lion on the beach. Down at this end of the beach is where we found the largest pieces of agate that day.

The Goobers were not very interested in hunting for rocks or shells so they occupied themselves with the waves and each other. There were having a BLAST!

Soon afterwards the other big boy, yes that would be Yibbyl, joined them in the surf and they played hard for quite a while. Now when I say that they had a blast, I mean it literally. They were sandblasted and saltblasted until they were raw!

When it was time to head back we looked up and saw that the mist was rolling in and that it sure was a good ways back UP that darned trail!

We finally made it to the top and had to take just one more shot of the sea before we left.

Here are some of the treasures that we found on the beach.

And here is the wildflower picture of the day! I don't know what it is yet but I'll check the book and get back to y'all.

All in all Saturday was a great day.

Sunday will have pictures, too. It will include whatever we find on the Avenue of the Giants! Oh, we got to listen to K-HUM on the car radio and it is so similar to RadioParadise that it felt like we had it on the road with us. How sweet is that?

He's a Handy Man ...

2006-07-19T21:13:00.000-07:00

Ignore the fence (this is a rental) and look at the beautiful raised bed planter boxes that Yibbyl made!

Isn't he great?

5 Things ...

2006-07-11T18:16:00.000-07:00

So I was tagged by CindyDianne to the the 5 Things thing. Doesn't that just sound redundant? So here goes...

5 Things

In my fridge:

Stuffed Olives (I was craving them one day!).
Meatloaf (leftover from last night).
Sharp Cheddar Cheese (sliced for our grilled burgers).
Cilantro and limes (for homemade salsa).
5 small avocadoes (for fresh guacamole).

In my closet:

Way too many of MY clothes (some even in stacks).
14 pairs of birkinstocks (cuz I love 'em).
Footstool (otherwise I can't reack the shelf with the Birks!
2 baskets of clothes (nestled on stacks, of course).
4 suitcases and travel bags (for camping, traveling, etc).

In my wallet (or purse for women):

Baby nail clippers and tweezers (they are so handy!).
Dairy pills (can't have ice cream or cheesecake without 'em).
Vanilla Milkshake hand lotion (no dairy pills needed).
Ritalin (may save the twins' lives and my sanity).
$10 in Cinemark bucks (for donating platelets).

In my car/truck:

4 camping chairs (from the fireworks show).
2 floaties (for the lake).
2 towels (also for the lake).
1 empty water bottle and 1 empty tea bottle (from the Lassen trip).
Cingular phone charger (hanging out of the cigarette lighter).

Five people I am tagging:

Now it should be noted here that I don't truly expect people to have to do this but they can if they want to. I'm especially interested in seeing what people have in the fridge!

Snow Day in July ...

2006-07-09T17:49:00.000-07:00

So we went for another drive today!

This time we drove to Lassen Volcanic National Park
*Click on any of the pics to see the larger version.

We drove around a corner to see Hat Lake and it was so lovely that we had to stop for a picture.

Then we drove up and up and up some more! As we got closer to the summit parking lot (all covered in snow) we had a killer view of the valley and way off over there was Lake Almanor! That's still on my "To Do" list since I have never been there.

Now we are surrounded by snow on all sides and we were still wearing shorts and sandals since it was 101° down in the valley! Just past the summit trail is my favorite place in the park: Lake Helena. This lake is the most gorgeous color that you have ever seen. Unfortunately most of it is still buried under snow and ice but you can see just a bit of it peeking out.

We drove around a few more curves and got close enough to get this shot.

As we came closer to the back side of the park we could smell something NASTY! It was the Sulphur Works and no self-respecting volcano would be caught without them. They smelled like seriously rotten eggs (or teenage boy farts) and we could literally hear the mud bubbling and burping sulphur in the one vent. Yibbyl was so patient and he finally caught the splatter as it gave another loud belch!

Now we all know that no adventure would be complete without at least one picture of wildflowers! Here is one with some lovely Indian Paintbrush and some other purple flowers. Yibbyl took several wildflower pictures and I hope that he is posting some of those, too!

Well, we had a wonderful time exploring our local National Park and we even bought a Passport so that we can start checking in at other parks around the country. Y'all should all check out what natural wonders are in your area and go visit them! If they are really kewl then send me an invitation and I'll come visit and check it out, too! And y'all are welcome to come to my neck of the woods and and explore around here with me, too!

Love ya's!

Lily by the Creek ...

2006-07-07T19:38:00.000-07:00

This was such a pretty flower.
It was growing wild on the bank of Hat Creek.

What a Lovely Day ...

2006-07-06T13:40:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday we took a little trip around the neighborhood.

We visited Burney Falls.

Then we swam and fished at Lake Britton for a while.

Then we drove along Hat Creek and the guys fished.

I love this area.
All in all it was a lovely day!

*All photos taken with my Kodak DX6490

Date Night ...

2006-06-27T18:57:00.000-07:00

It seems like Yibbyl has been out of town for weeks! And he left again this morning. But last night we stole some time away from the goobers and had a dinner date! It was lovely!

We went to Olive Garden and it didn't really matter that there was a long wait for a table. We sat in the bar and had a drink and appetizer. Then we were seated. It didn't really matter that it took a really long time to get our dinner. We snacked and sipped and talked and smooched and the time just trickled by and then the food came. It was really tasty, too, but I wasn't hungry by then. Our waitress felt really bad and offered us free dessert. Of course we were already full but we took a couple of decadent morsels home with us.

The bill came and it was only about half what it should have been. They hadn't added our stuff from the bar to our dinner tab but it didn't really matter. We stopped by the bar and asked to pay and the manager was very appreciative of our being honest and responsible about that. That's just pretty much who we are so it was no big deal to us.

We got home and relaxed (snuggled) for a while and let our dinner settle then we...JUST NEVER YOU MIND!

We had dessert later and it was yummy!

Isn't he a sweetie? I'm a lucky woman!

Today's Plan: Appreciate the little things for they add up to something BIG!

My Guy(s) ...

2006-06-15T19:55:00.000-07:00

I have grumpy 16 year old twin boys but I caught a rare laugh coming from this goober so I snapped it quick!

We were camping at Lewiston Lake and Yibbyl had rented a little fishing boat for the day. This was just after a downpour soaked us and the fog was rolling in fast as the sun was setting.

Bummed & Blue ...

2006-06-07T21:54:00.000-07:00

Work has been rough this last month.

We are losing 4 staff by July 1st: The principal, two teachers, and one aide.

Morale is at an all-time low.

I love WHAT I do but I don't know that I can keep doing it here for much longer.

I don't know what to do right now.

Today's Plan: Think about Friday: 2 students getting diplomas!

Blah ...

2006-05-30T17:20:00.000-07:00

Blah blah blah

More blah later.

In the Sunshine of his Love ...

2006-04-30T20:17:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow will be May Day and we finally put our new kayaks in the water this weekend! His is yellow and red-orange and slightly larger than mine.

What gorgeous weather we've had the last week. The temperature has been hanging right around 90 and we were on the water yesterday and today. We have some aloe vera rubbed into our pink spots, too! We had a goober with us (the other one spent the weekend at grandma's helping to clean out their attic) and we took turns going out on the two kayaks. He wants one of his own now.

I have to say that this is turning out to be the absolute coolest gift that I have ever been given. Yibbyl is AWESOME and I am very lucky to live in the sunshine of his love.

I had some pictures from yesterday but I deleted the whole batch last night. I wanted a fresh flash card for the PROM! And yes, I took Yibbyl with me! He was my date at the school prom last night and we had fun. I won't tell ya what we did after the dance but we did stop by the drugstore and pick something up as we giggled our way (fancy clothes and all) through the checkout!

Well, that's all for this quick update.
I hope that y'all are having a lovely spring!
I love ya's.

Today's Plan: Apply aloe very liberally to the guys then me next!

Spring Break ...

2006-04-09T08:46:00.000-07:00

And, OMG, do I need a break from school!

I put one goober on a plane to Missouri yesterday so he can spend the break with his dad since he'll be with me for summer school for the first time ever! The other goober is going to a friend's house today to help rip up carpet and install wood flooring. He's very excited about making some money and helping a friend at the same time.

I'm on the road with Yibbyl this week as he travels around northern California for his job. I'm excited about spending the time with him and I'll get to visit a special school (NVS) in Santa Rosa that has a program for emotionally disturbed deaf children. Their spring break is a week after ours otherwise I'd never have the chance to get away and see them in action.

Of course, I'll be taking some chunks of work with me because, as a teacher, you're never really OFF work no matter what anyone says!

We're leaving for San Rafael area this afternoon then Santa Rosa, Stockton, and last on the list is Chico (I think) so if anyone out there wants to grab a cup of joe and chat a while - LET ME KNOW!

Love y'all!

(hugs and smooches to all)

~M~

For K ...

2006-04-01T12:12:00.000-08:00

Love Sonnet XI

I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day
I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.

I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.

I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,

and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue.

by Pablo Neruda

A Bucket of Blues ...

2006-03-31T20:49:00.000-08:00

I miss my sweetheart.

He's all the way over on the other coast and won't be home until Sunday evening. And I have to head out of town Sunday morning so we won't even pass on the highway. I'll already be working when his plane lands and he heads home. He'll be with the goobers until Wednesday morning which is when he has to head back out of town. I'll be heading home later that night. This is the longest that we will have been apart since we have been together. Days and days and days.

And nights.

I know that in the grand scheme of things (you know - life) that I really have nothing to complain about but (and I whine here) I MISS HIM!

*sigh*

I really do miss him.

Things that make you go Hmmmm....

2006-03-21T22:01:00.000-08:00

I spend a lot of time with emotionally disturbed kids.

Sometimes they seem way more mature than quite a few of the adults in the world.

What does that say about us all?

Nerd Alert ...

2006-03-15T21:19:00.000-08:00

If I admit that I listen to JPR every morning on the way to work - does that make me a Geekette?

Okay, sometimes I listen on the way home, too.

Perception ...

2006-03-15T18:13:00.000-08:00

Seeing is believing, right?

Well, it doesn't work that way in special education. Especially not at our level. Our kids are what public schools refer to as the bottom of the barrel. The 1% of kids that nobody wants and that every school in the state of California has kicked to the curb. In this era of budget crunches can you imagine how bad a kid has to be for the schools to pay over 5x the daily rate to place a kid at our school? That is some serious money. And , trust me, they pay it willingly. You can almost see their eyes roll back in their heads with fear if we talk about sending a kid back to public school.

In fact, they tell us that they'll believe these kids are "fixed" when they see it. And they need to "see" it for up to 6 months just to be sure! Yeah, right. That's realistic (not).

Have you ever heard of self-fulfilling prophesy?

Basically, it means that you will find exactly what you expect to find.

If you expect a kid to be bad then you will find every single thing that could be even remotely interpreted as defiant and it will be a glaring example of how RIGHT you were to not trust these kids. You will see it BECAUSE you believe it.

I don't operate that way. I believe in the goodness that I will find. I believe that they will be successful. I can see it long before even the kid can. I can paint that picture with details so clear and real that the kid will see it, too. And they will BE that good kid. Oh, they'll make mistakes. We all do. But it is amazing how they will RISE to the highest levels of expectations when they know that you belive in them.

Unfortunately, they are fragile while they begin to blossom and it takes a lot of effort to protect them from the elements. One scornful person can take 10 minutes and undo what a team of people spent weeks building. We know that. We try to give them enough time to get stronger before we send them back into the scornful world that has already rejected them. Some of them will make it and some of them won't. It is a tough world out there.

Every now and then we hear back from the kids that have left us. And not just the successful ones. Some kids write to us from college and some write to us from prison. And some we read about in the obituaries.

When you see a kid out there in the world and they are struggling just try to remember that if just one person really believed in them maybe they'd be doing something different. A hand UP is not the same thing as a hand out. Be a mentor if you have the time. Spend more time with your own kids. Believe in them.

See the goodness in them until they believe it, too.

I Have Been Vi-o-late-d ...

2006-03-14T10:34:00.000-08:00

...and it was icky!

First of all, y'all just have to know that I am the HUG QUEEN at work. I will give any kid a hug. We have had some seriously gnarly kids whose bathing habits and hygiene left a whole lot to be desired but I have always thought that it was important to make every kid feel accepted and cared for. So I hug.

Yesterday a bunch of the kids had a scavenger hunt after school and were raiding the classrooms looking for goodies to add to their stash. One of the boys from the classroom next door came through and he usually asks for 2-3 hugs a day. He has very thick glasses and probably weighs under a 100 pounds so hugs are a bid deal for him. Anyways, he managed to scoop up several treasures from my room and while I was busy looking to see if I had a book that they needed he hugged me from behind.

Hmmm.... this has never happened before.

I turn sideways and give him a side hug as he says thank you and I turn back towards the bookshelf. That was a mistake. I was immediately wrapped up in another hug and this one I could feel from my shoulders down to my knees. He was WAY inside my comfort zone. I think I must have really barked out his name 'cuz he bolted out of my room like his feet were on fire.

I notified the school staff of what had happened and talked to the teacher next door. I explained that I wasn't comfortable giving this boy a hug for a while and that he would have to earn trust back. I'm pretty sure that he (the kid) knows that a "talk" is coming because he was avoiding me like I had the plague today. That suits me just fine. I was tired and achy all day so I really wasn't looking forward to talking to him.

As a matter of fact - I didn't hug very many kids at all today.

I have to wonder if it was because I was feeling kind of icky(sick) or if it was because I was feeling kind of icky (violated)...

Hmmmm...

My Cup Runneth Over ...

2006-03-12T20:34:00.000-08:00

...with sadness.

I blog-hopped this evening.
I read about BHD's trip back east to be with family.
I felt sad.

Brian gave his father a beautiful eulogy at An Audience of One.
He misses his dad.
I cried.

I wanted to go somewhere I had never been.
I followed a link from Brian's page.
The name appealed to me.
It was The Narcissist's Secrets.
It has a new name now: The Next Chapter.
I read about the birth and death of the beautiful baby Oliver.
He was 12 days old.
I cried.

Oddly enough these last two connected for me.
The most important man of my childhood was my granddad.
He was the kindest, gentlest, most loving man - ever.
I was born on his 54th birthday.
I loved and respected him like Brian did his father.
I wanted to name my daughter (if I had one) after him.
His name was Oliver.

I'm turning the computer off for the rest of the night.
My heart hurts for people that I don't even know.

Tonight's Plan: Make a wish for peace and healing around the world.

Meme in Music ...

2006-03-10T11:08:00.000-08:00

This was over on Ali's Blog and she snagged it from Ally Bean ...

Pick a band/artist. Then answer these questions using only titles from the band/artist’s songs.

1. Name of band/artist: The Eagles
2. Are you male or female?: The Girl From Yesterday
3. Describe yourself: Witchy Woman
4. How do you feel about yourself?: Certain Kind of Fool
5. Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend: Outlaw Man
6. Describe current girlfriend/boyfriend: My Man
7. Describe where you want to be: Seven Bridges Road
8. Describe how you live: Dirty Laundry
9. Describe how you love: Too Many Hands
10. What would you ask for if you had just one wish?: Peaceful Easy Feeling
11. Share a few words of wisdom: Learn to be Still
12. Now say goodbye: Already Gone

We Do Our Best ...

2006-03-08T18:48:00.000-08:00

And, yes, I know that we can't SAVE them all but we sure do give it our best shot.

I had to say goodbye this morning to the young man who tried to attack me this last December. One of the staff who was helping in the situation ended up with broken ribs. It was an incredibly UGLY day. This very angry young man (still a boy in many ways) wanted to seriously hurt me and he was determined to do just that. He hurt so bad himself that pain was about the only thing he really knew how to share.

It took a group of us working with this boy every single day to let him know that we were NOT giving up on him and that we knew he could and would do better if he started to believe in himself. He came from a nasty history of domestic violence in his personal family and the family has been so fractured by violence that they are saturated. They don't want this boy to ever come back home. That is a terrible thing to be told by your own family, especially when they were the original ones who modeled the assaultive behaviors to him as a child.

At any rate we really saw some potential and we made that clear every chance that we got. We offered him another classroom to be in but he wanted to stay in mine. I have to be really honest and admit that I had really mixed feelings about that. I did believe that he could be better but I also wanted to keep my bones all in original condition. The only thing that I could do at this point was just to become the "mom" type figure that had abandoned him and make sure that I was there every single time that he was upset and work through it with him. This was a very time consuming strategy but you know what? It worked! At least at school it did. He has had near perfect behavior at school for 6 weeks now. He was writing me letters at the rate of 2-3 per day to express his fears, frustrations, and hopes. He started and ended every single school day with a hug. He wanted so badly to be the guy that we all knew he had the potential to be and he was well on his way.

Last week he had a court date and was told by his social worker that the family that he had hoped and thought would adopt him were not going to pursue it and that he should just let go of that "fantasy" and move on. He was simply devastated. At his group home that evening he was moody and curt and he had asked the staff (all male) to leave him alone and not to get into his "space" while he was thinking. A power struggle ensued and he ended up pushing the staff away. He was physically contained. This happened twice. His residential agency (sister company to my school) terminated his placement and gave his county seven days to move him to a new facility.

Today was his last day. He'll be moving to the Sacramento area tomorrow morning. We gave him a beautiful leather journal so that he can continue to use writing to express his feelings in a positive way. I still think that he can turn his life around and put violence behind him. He was already making huge strides and, even though he has setbacks, he can do it!

Sometimes the results come long after the students have left us and we can only hope or imagine how their lives turn out. In this case, I'm hoping that he stays in touch, maybe through the Values Blog Question of the Day or by writing me a letter now and then so that we can hear how it all turns out. We do our best to give them the tools but it is up to them to actually use them. I hope that he builds a great life!

Today's Plan: Think positive!

She's Safe...

2006-03-07T08:51:00.000-08:00

I cannot tell you how relieved I am!

She was picked up by the police department in Santa Rosa.

Her "bed" has already been filled at the group home so I have no clue if they will allow her to take the next opening that comes or if they will just place her somewhere else.

On the flip side - bad news.

The young man who has struggled with his violent outbursts and aggression towards women was told yesterday that his placement here was closing after an altercation that he had with two male staff in his group home last week. Our Executive Director has said that his situation was "iatrogenic" in that our staff contributed to the escalation and that makes us, as a company, also partly responsible for his behavior. This boy will be interviewed by some placement here in the northstate this afternoon. I advocated that his school placement be kept here if the new place accepted him and was close enough to make it work. I wasn't told "No" but there are no guarantees so we may be saying goodbye to him this week. *sigh*

What a week of ups and downs and it is still ONLY Tuesday!

Today's Plan: Expect the best and deal with the rest...

What's Cookin'...?

2006-03-05T16:44:00.000-08:00

It is a rainy day here.

We've baked just over 4 dozen oatmeal cookies.
The first batch of peanut butter cookies are now baking.
Maybe chocolate chip cookies later?

There is just something about the smell of cookies baking on a winter day.
The woodstove is cranked up and the house is toasty warm.

What's cooking at your house?

~M~

Monday, Monday ...

2006-03-04T17:29:00.000-08:00

I will finally have two aides in my classroom on Monday!

We have shuffled some staff around the school and tried to redistribute the
areas of strengths and weaknesses so that each class has a better balance. I have always been the "strong" staff in whatever room I've been in (as an aide or a teacher) because I catch behaviors very EARLY and intervene in most cases BEFORE anything breaks out into violence. It takes a hyper-vigilance that can be exhausting but well worth it in the end.

Debbi has been my aide for over a year and she's awesome. She is the ultimate "Mom" and she nurtures the kids and always makes them feel special. I'll be getting Jerry and he's a very quiet and highly intelligent man. He'll be running a lot of our homework because he's very good at that.

My class size has fallen from the usual 12 down to 9. They hadn't wanted to give me too many new kids while I was already short-staffed and I have lost a couple of kids for various reasons. I may lose another one very soon. I can't say anything about it until all is said and done but it weighs heavy on my mind. There are some important things that I need to take care of in the meanwhile.

The next three months will be instrumental in determining whether or not I stay with the company. We've spent HOURS revamping our behavior management system in order to make it user friendly and it will implemented schoolwide so that we don't have different classes running their own programs anymore. That may go a long ways towards raising morale. I sure hope so! This could be a major turning point for several of us. Wish us luck!

Today's Plan: Order a pizza, watch a movie and RELAX.

All Will Be Well

2006-03-01T19:03:00.000-08:00

All Will Be Well

The new day dawns
And I am practicing my purpose once again
It is fresh and it is fruitful if I win
But if I lose
Ooh, I don't know.
I'll be tired but I will turn and I will go
Only guessing till I get there then I'll know
Oh, I will know

All the children walking home past the factories
Can see the light that's shining in my window as I write this song to you
And all the cars running fast along the interstate
Can feel the love that radiates, illuminating what I know is true

All will be well
Even after all the promises you've broken to yourself
All will be well
You can ask me how but only time will tell

The winter's cold
But the snow still lightly settles on the trees
And a mess is still a moment I can seize until I know
That all will be well
Even though sometimes this is hard to tell
And the fight is just as frustrating as hell
All will be well

All the children walking home past the factories
Can see the light that's shining in my window as I write this song to you
And all the cars running fast along the interstate
Can feel the love that radiates, illuminating what I know is true

All will be well
Even after all the promises you've broken to yourself
All will be well
You can ask me how but only time will tell

Keep it up and don't give up and chase your dreams
And you will find
All in time

All the children walking home past the factories
Can see the light that's shining in my window as I write this song to you
And all the cars running fast along the interstate
Can feel the love that radiates, illuminating what I know is true

All will be well
Even after all the promises you've broken to yourself
All will be well
You can ask me how but only time will tell
All will be well
Even after all the promises you've broken to yourself
All will be well

You can ask me how but only time will tell.
You can ask me how but only time will tell.

by The Gabe Dixon Band

FYI - my 14 year old student has not come back.
Her "placement" has been terminated with our agency.
Her sister graduated the program and moved on yesterday.
Before she left she told us that her little sister had planned to runaway.
She made her living selling herself on the streets when she was 12.
She has gone back to that life.
She gave up on herself.

I have to believe that she will make it some day.
I have to believe that all will be well - somehow.

Black and Blue Days ...

2006-02-26T14:49:00.000-08:00

Do you have those, too?

Days were you feel bruised, inside and out, for no particular reason? Where you are just edgy and raw and vulnerable to every big or little thing that does or doesn't happen without any rhyme or reason?

These days bite. And not in a good way either.

My mood matches the icky weather - overcast and drizzly.

I have been weepy twice already today and feel like another one is just teetering on the brink.

I want to run away from home.

I want to be surrounded with love and left alone all at the same time.

I want the sun to shine - inside and outside.

*sigh*

Today's Plan: Make it through the day without freaking out the family any more.

Still No Word ...

2006-02-24T13:08:00.000-08:00

*sigh*

This is so frustrating.

Her "placement" will be closed and the end of the day on Tuesday 2/2806.

Whatever happens to her after that will most likely remain a mystery unless she calls us herself and checks in with us. Her county agency will not update us once her placement is closed.

It is the helplessness that is hardest to cope with.

She remains in my thoughts and I hope that, wherever she might be, she is safe.

~M~

The Streets of San Francisco ...

2006-02-22T04:12:00.000-08:00

Arrgghhhhhhh............

My best behaved student ran away this last weekend! She lives in a grouphome for girls and she was on an outing to San Francisco where she just bailed out of the van at a stoplight! What was she thinking?!

She is barely 14 years old!

*sigh*

Between worrying about her and Yibbyl being out of town - I just can't sleep.

~M~

Life and Death ...

2006-02-16T20:27:00.000-08:00

The beginning and the end.

And what the middle holds is what really counts.

A long life filled with passion and adventure and love is the ultimate good life but not everyone gets that. Some lives end much too soon and the half-lived life seems to drag on much too long.

In life we don't have to wait for the coach to send us in.

We get to be the one who decides whether we are players or bench warmers.

These things have been on my mind.

I want to play!

~M~

Leadership ...

2006-02-09T16:51:00.000-08:00

So I went to a meeting yesterday. It's called the "Leadership Council" and I was asked to represent the teachers and aides by becoming a member of this group a few weeks back and I have felt fairly useless because it always seemed like any ideas that we brought to the meeting would just be shot down by some other meeting of some other group. I was actually ready to go in this week and ask them to pick someone else to participate in this exercise in futility that we called a meeting each week.

As we waited for the principal to arrive we sort of began talking amongst ourselves and clear the air of some frazzled feelings that had been stirred up the week before. It became clear that some of the things we had talked about in our meeting had been presented in another meeting but with some seriously damaging changes that caused someone to feel attacked in the performance of their duties. It made us all feel sick to hear about it directly from the individual and we made a committment to be open and honest and keep all of our agendas on TOP of the table. This is exactly the kind of stuff that has made a job that I loved become more and more difficult with each day. I finally confessed to the group that if morale wasn't better by June then I didn't want to continue working for this agency any longer. I was actually crying by then but it really hurt to hear myself say that when I have been with this company for 15 years and loved my job for most of them. One of the other people in the group admitted that she felt exactly the same.

We ended up clearing so much air and saying how we really felt that we must have been revved up going in to the next phase of the meeting: redesigning our entire school behavior system so that all of the classes will have the same system and the staff won't feel so isolated and unsupported. Our meeting ended up going past the usual 60-90 minutes or so and lasted just over 4 hours. I came out of that meeting feeling more hopeful than I have felt in a very long time. We had another meeting today to introduce our idea to the school and they asked some very good questions, voiced a couple of concerns that I think we answered, and basically really seemed to receive the idea quite well. That's two hopeful days in a row!

We are having a staff BBQ and potluck as soon as the kids leave tomorrow and when the agency heard about it they kicked in and bought steaks and chicken for everyone. The executive director has said that he'll do the grilling for us to show his support. I am thinking that tomorrow might just be day #3 and maybe this will be a new trend!

I really, really want to stay with this company and work with these kids but I know that I have to have some JOY in my work and if backbiting, and undercutting morale issues are draining me of that then I will go somewhere else and work with kids in some other capacity.

Today's Plan: Keep the light of hope burning and find my JOY at work once again.

Icky, Itchy Owie...

2006-02-07T21:12:00.000-08:00

Work was actually good today.
Thankfully.
I needed a good day in a bad way.

I think the gall bladder weirdness has finally passed, too.
I had a spell of nausea in the late morning but it faded.
Now if I could just get my shins to quit itching, I'd be good!
I think I'm allergic to something.
Work! That's it. I'm allergic to work!

Oh, well, I have to work to pay the bills.
I guess I'll just take a Benadryl!

I have no Yibbyl to cuddle.
(He's up in Oregon for the week)
Maybe I'll take two Benadryl!

Tonight's Plan: Sleep off the Itchy-Owies...

Another One Gone ...

2006-01-31T22:03:00.000-08:00

One of my students ran away from her group home last Friday morning. We talked to her aunt today and she had heard from her so at least we knew she was safe (relatively speaking) for now. The bad news was that even if she does come back we won't keep her. The company had already decided that they were sending her back to her home county (the other end of the state).

I'm never quite sure what the specific reasons are that we give up on a kid and move them on down the line. I would have voted to keep this one. She was a scrapper, yes, and she created havoc with other kids but there was a great kid wrapped up inside of all of that bravado.

I hate that we give up on kids.

We just shouldn't be doing that.

*sigh*

Zappa Rocks!

2006-01-22T17:32:00.000-08:00

That's what we've named the Beta (Japanese fighting fish) that we've had for a while.

We moved him today from the studio apartment (large vase) to the spacious condominium (1.5 gallon tank) and he seems to be adjustly nicely to all of the changes. He has shag carpeting. Okay, it's really just black rocks with some blue sprinkled in there and it looks really nice when the light shines on it. He had live plant roots in the vase but now he has an entire garden of plants that are completely submerged. He's got a floating chunk of hollow wood that is supposed to sink eventually and give him a nice little hidey hole. He's got a light which also provides heat, something that the vase was sadly lacking, so he should be warmer now. Our bedroom can get pretty cold sometimes. He's got a filter and bubbler though I'm not sure what he thinks about those.

Oh! And he has a roommate, too!

We added a very kewl little snail in there. He hasn't moved a muscle (hehehe) yet so I don't think he's all too happy about this arrangement.

I know, mundane stuff to be sharing, but it makes me smile so I thought that I'd share it with y'all!

Love ya's...

~M~

Gall Darn It ...

2006-01-20T15:55:00.000-08:00

I felt like I was bruised and battered all night last night!

My tummy hurt. Bad!

I ran to the bathroom every 20 minutes until I HAD to be flushed clean. I can stand any food and even water makes my tummy hurt. Getting through the day at work was miserable. In fact I left early to go to the walk-in clinic and see what was going on. I thought it had to be either the lactose intolerance or food poisoning but the doctor thinks that I may well be trying to pass a gallstone.

Is that why it hurts so bad? Dang rocks floating around my innards?

At any rate he's sending for a blood draw at the hospital (only place able to do it on weekends) to make sure that wasn't my liver acting up. And I have antibiotics and an Rx for nausea meds. Oh, and nothing but clear liquids until I can stand food again.

I was gearing up to start dieting and this sudden "fasting" may be just the jump start that I needed.

Well, that's all for now folks! I hope that you are all healthy and happy so far this year!

Today's Plan: Enjoy that Mango Passionfruit tea and find me some jello!

Opportunities ...

2006-01-19T12:41:00.000-08:00

Things happen and sometimes, if we are paying close enough attention, we are given an opportunity to teach or learn something that might otherwise pass right on by.

I had one of those moments this morning.

One of my goobers was hit by car on his way to school. His school nurse calls me as I am on my way to work this morning and I can literally feel the tension in her voice. She tells me that he was struck by a small truck while on his bike across the street from the high school. She tells me that I should come straight there and pick him up and take him to be seen as well as file a police report. Police report? This was a felony hit-and-run she tells me, with injuries. Okay, you just KNOW that at this point the hair on the back of my neck is standing up. I am on my way!

I get to the school and pick him up. He shows me his left leg and it looks a little bit like raw hamburger meat but, to be honest, I've seen worse. I mean, these are teenage boys! Underneath the road rash I can see some bruising and swelling already beginning so I do think it is the right thing to take him on over to the walk-in clinic to be seen right away. On the way there he tells me what had happened. I have him repeat it a couple of times and I'm asking him some clarifying questions to get a clearer picture.

It appears that my son was riding along the sidewalk and stopped at a driveway where the small truck (driven by an older gentleman) was also stopped. They both motioned for the other one to go ahead, they both declined and again motioned for the other one to go first. What manners, I mean, you really do have to pause and appreciate that for a moment. Anyways, I guess they both decide that they may as well go ahead and go - so they did! The truck and the bike collided at maybe 5 mph but it was enough to send the kid flying out into the street and bend his front tire. He gets up as the man, horrified, jumps out as asks if he's okay. He says he's fine and the man asks him a few more times if he's okay. The boy instists that he is okay and then proceeds to walk his bike across the street towards his high school. Now this is a rather large and busy road so as the boy gets to the other side of the road he looks over his shoulder and sees the man get in his truck and drive away. This is also what he told the school nurse.

The doctor goes through the same questioning that I had and he's taking copious notes. The leg does not appear to be broken (we'll go back and xray in two days if it is still hurting) but he does have an abrasion and contusion (fancy words for scrape and bruise). As we're waiting for the doctor to write out the instructions for us I tell my son that he's to go back and check in with his nurse and explain to her that we were NOT filing a police report and that I did not consider this to be a hit-and-run at all. I believe that this man did, in fact, try to talk to my son and that when my son walked across the large street he (the boy) gave every indication that he was just shrugging it off and going on to the school and that I believe it would be wrong to pursue this man and potentially wreck his life by filing a report that might lead to charges when there really was no malicious wrongdoing or intentional evading of responsibility. Our family does not race to a lawyer and try to get something, we do not seek damages where none are due, and we treat people as we would like to be treated. The doctor, who had been listening through all of this, also gave the boy a little pep talk about what is to be a good citizen and do the "right" thing.

So, in the end, I was an hour late for work, my son is bruised and sore and sent on his way back to school (much to his chagrin) and a great opportunity for a mini-values lesson in life was seized and utilized. Not a bad day at all.

Today's Plan: Continue to be vigilant for those little opportunities for big growth.

On the Road Again ...

2006-01-16T18:24:00.000-08:00

Yes, that would be my Yibbyl.

He'll be out of town all week and back home sometime Friday evening.

I miss him already.

While he's gone I'll let y'all in on a little secret:

He's smart.
He's wonderful.
He's kind.
He's funny.
He's sexy.

He's loved.
By me.

Today's Plan: Tell him how much I love him when he calls me tonight.

Gluttony was King ...

2006-01-15T09:53:00.000-08:00

King Crab, that is!

So we went out to dinner last night, just Yibbyl and I. Every now and then it is important to have some time just to ourselves and the Goobers understand that. Well, they actually like it especially when we let them have run of the computer while we are gone!

We had decided to go to Red Lobster 'cuz I was having a hankering for some decadently rich seafood. The menu was placed before us and it took us ages to decide what we were having. We wanted it all! We finally decided on an appetizer sampler of crab stuffed mushrooms, clam strips, and scallops wrapped in bacon and broiled. It was divine! Oh, and the cheesy garlic biscuits! Anyone who has ever been to the place knows that they are famous for the melt-in-your-mouth biscuits. We each ate two of those, too. Then our salads come. We're already starting to feel a little apprehensive about the sheer volume of food that we ordered but we dig in anyways, after all, vegetables are good for us!

Did I mention the drinks that we had? We each got a fruit smoothie. Mine was strawberry and his was orange (with a lovely hint of coconut in it) and OMG were they awesome. We forced ourselves to pace those drinks and make them last. And that was quite a challenge since we each kept sampling the other one's glass, too! I'll be looking for recipes for these in the very near future!

Meanwhile back to the food. We are kind of knowing that we are in big trouble and not going to be able to eat all of this food when I see the server coming with our tray and I whisper to Yibbyl, "You should see your plate." As soon as she gets to our table and he sees his he blurts out, "Good gawd!" It was a HUGE platter of crab alfredo. I mean really huge. It could have fed a small family. I had ordered a combination plate that included shrimp pasta and stuffed sole and we had added the other dish that he'd wanted (a mini-platter of scallops, schrimp, and crab covered in butter sauce and jack cheese) to my order. I slid that mini-platter off of my plate and over to him as his eyes were about ready to pop out!

Okay, we absolutely know at this point that there is NO way we're going to be able to eat all of this (though we did give it a heck of a good try!) so we pace ourselves and prioritize. I eat half of the sole and all of the stuffing. I also eat about a third of the pasta and pick the rest of the shrimp out then I'm done! Yibbyl eats maybe a tiny fraction of his platter of crab alfredo 'cuz we figure that it will keep better than the other stuff so he finishes off his scallops and shrimp and maybe a fourth of his smother crab stuffing then he's done. We get a box for the rest of his dinner.

We had planned on snagging a piece of key lime pie to bring home but that was completely out of the question by the time we were done. We wanted nothing more to do with anything food related no matter how good that it sounded. In fact, we had planned on going shopping after dinner but those plans were changed so that we could just come back home and peel our pants off!

Yes, we were gluttons but we were divinely sated ones when all was said and done.

Today's Plan: Eat light!

No Z's for me...

2006-01-13T08:52:00.000-08:00

Yibbyl has been in Oregon since Wednesday.

I don't sleep well when he's not here.

And that is all I have to say about that.

~M~

One Hot Mama ...

2006-01-04T19:32:00.000-08:00

Who turned up the thermostat...?!?!

I can go to bed bundled up in jammies 'cuz I'm freezing...
I'll wake up at 3am and be dripping with sweat...
The covers have to be pushed away ...
And jammies will be flung far...
I need COLD water...
...which turns out to be no problem since I have to get up and go anyways!

This is NOT okay!
I want my money back!
What?
No Deposit, No Return?

I'm WAY too young for this! *sob*

Today's Plan: Sleep with the window open?

BLOG - Project ...

2006-01-03T21:07:00.000-08:00

My classroom now has an online project - a BLOG!

It's all about asking and answering questions that promote self-awareness and values clarification.

Anyone interested in it can visit (and participate!) here:

Question of the Day

I love ya's!

~M~

The (not so) Little Things ...

2006-01-02T18:03:00.000-08:00

So I had to sit in a faculty meeting for 90 minutes this afternoon to brainstorm ways that our company could improve morale. The timing was rather interesting. I have felt that there are ideological differences that have moved the company and myself farther apart rather than closer together over the last few years. I have always loved what I do but the atmosphere and climate of our school has become strained.

You have to absolutely LOVE what you are doing (in this field) or you burnout like a supernova. We've lost some really good teachers and aides the last few years and we all feel fairly expendable. The pervasive feeling of being underappreciated and devalued makes an already tough job nearly impossible. Needless to say we came up with about 30 ideas that I thought were mostly pretty good.

One of the things that I suggested would raise morale was very small and simple: say "Thank you" more often. That shouldn't have to even be suggested but it is amazing how quickly people become numb to the niceties like good manners when they are overwhelmed, overworked, and unheard in their pleas for help. Such a little thing but I really do think that it could make a HUGE difference in making our staff feel better about the awesome work that they are doing each and every day.

If...

If they really do start making changes and begin treating us like valued members who provide a vital service instead of mere cogs in a corporate wheel then I'd like to think that this will once again be a positive place. I need to work for a company that I believe in and I'd like for it to be this one. It really is the little stuff that often make the biggest difference.

Today's Plan: Say "Thank you" and make sure that I show others how much I value them.

Let it snow ...

2005-12-30T16:13:00.000-08:00

This is Mount Shasta - where we'll all be tomorrow!

We're getting all packed up (just bought the new cable chains for the 4x4 as I heard that I-5 is already closed and traffic is being detoured the long way around due to snow) and we'll be heading out tomorrow for a nice evening on the mountain (torchlight snowboarding for the boys until 11:30PM) then we'll ring in the 2006 New Year together as a family.

I wish each one of you all of the best in the upcoming year.
May this year find everyone healthy and happy.

Much love to you all...

~M~

Missing ...

2005-12-27T12:56:00.000-08:00

Well, who'd a thunk it?

It's only been a day and I think that I actually miss the Peep's names rather than their blog titles. There was obviously some comfort factor involved in having those names there to see when I wanted to jump over to read someone's blog. I certainly didn't expect this. I may give it a few days and then change them back. So, there's a thought: do people have a preference how they are listed? I know that I'm just tickled to even BE on anyone's page but I can also be a strange duck so other people might feel differently.

Well, I have TONS of stuff to do today and I am procrastinating like crazy! I'm going to go through my kitchen cabinets and get rid of anything broken, missing lids, etc. I've run out of room so this really needs to happen!

Today's Plan: Tackle the chores and git 'er done!

A Rose by any other Name ...

2005-12-26T12:58:00.000-08:00

I had a wonderful holiday!
I hope that you all did, too!

Yibbyl gave me something that I have wanted for a long time. You can see a picture of it on his blog. What makes it so special was that, even though I wanted it, I probably would not have gotten something so special for myself anytime soon. With teenage boys in the house it seems too extravagant to spend that much on me when they are constantly growing and needing stuff. Yibbyl rocks!

* BTW - He received some software that he'd been eyeing for a few years and I think he was pretty jazzed about getting it. He was playing with it until at least midnight last night (when I finally crashed) so I guess it was a hit.

In other news - I went through and added some Paradisiacs (aka Peeps) to my links and also checked everyone's current blogs so that I could update the names to exactly what they have chosen rather than the names I had written down. It just seems that people often put a lot of thought into what name they choose for their blogs and that I should honor that and list them correctly - so I did. There are some wonderful people to visit and now I need to take some time to go back to those pages and read some more instead of just hit-and-miss fly-by visits.

*And then I go and change the name of my own blog! My bad! But this phrase has been swimming in my head for a while now. I needed to put it somewhere!

Today's Plan: Catch up with some dear friends!

Note to Self ...

2005-12-22T15:53:00.000-08:00

I am thankful for the abundance of love in my life.

Love, unlike many things in life, is self-replenishing...

The more we give away - the more that comes back to us.

~M~

Zuppa Toscana ...

2005-11-12T21:24:00.000-08:00

YUM!

We love this soup when we eat at Olive Garden so I thought that I'd try to make it at home today. I looked up some recipes online then just went my own way and I have to admit that the finished product was yummilicious! Y'all should try this. I'll give ya my recipe since I like all the changes that I made. This fed our family of four and we just had one small bowl of leftover soup.

2 quarts of water
3 cans of chicken stock
10 medium sliced red potatoes (scrubbed with skin on)
1 sweet white onion
3 cloves of chopped garlic
1 pound of browned and drained spicy hot italian sausage (I added 2 more cloves of garlic here)
3-4 slices of crumbled (cooked) bacon
3 cups of hand shredded kale (fresh)
1 cup of heavy cream or half & half
salt and white pepper to taste
shredded parmesan cheese to taste

Simmer the taters and onion in the liquids for about an hour
Add the meats and simmer for 20 minutes
Add the kale and cream and simmer for 20 minutes as the flavors all combine
Salt and pepper to taste
Serve and add cheese on top if desired

We had garlic breadsticks with the soup and it really was sublime.

I made my first ever batch of cornbread stuffing yesterday with a small turkey (practice run) and some yams and sweet potatoes that the boys just loved. The meal turned out pretty darned good but I really was happier with the soup that we had tonight. I think that it may have just moved up to the top of the list as one of my favorite comfort foods this winter. I took a picture of it and I'll try to upload it. It was really easy to make so I hope that someone will try it.

Bon Appétit

Comfort Foods ...

2005-10-29T15:56:00.000-07:00

I love the smell of (good) food cooking.

We headed out to the local farmer's market this morning so that I could pick up 5 large bunches of basil. Fresh pesto is nothing short of divine. While we were there I also grabbed a few bundles of Chinese Long Beans (also known as yardlongs) and they are now simmering in a large pot with some smoked bacon. A little bit later I'll be slicing some sweet, white onions to put into a roasting pan with red potatoes, and then when everything else is nearly done we'll be grilling some seasoned pork steaks on the bbq (my tried and true seasoning is onion powder, garlic powder, and fresh black pepper).

As I was getting the beans ready earlier today I was reminded of how comforting some foods can be. Fresh green beans has always been a very southern, homey, feel-good food for me. I also love real mashed potatoes with white country gravy (made from fried chicken drippings), and cheese toast (buttered sourdough slices covered with garlic and cheddar cheese and broiled until bubbly and nearly brown on top).

The one comfort food that I really do realy on on a regular basis is not a food at all. It is, as Edieraye pointed out in a comment, hot tea. I love a cup of hot tea when I'm stressed, when I'm feeling a cold coming on, or for no other reason that just because! My favorite tea to sip is a Stash brand - Mango Passionfruit with nothing in it. It tastes like a mellow, sweet, almost honeyed tea so it needs nothing added to it. I think that I'll make a cup now!

Thanks, Edieraye, for reminding me!
What are your favorite comfort foods?

Transitions ...

2005-10-28T10:36:00.000-07:00

Today we celebrate our relationships.

The new classroom opens on Monday so today is the last day for three of my students and one of my staff. Our room truly operates like a close family unit on many levels (including the bickering ones) so to lose this many at one time is a fairly tremendous impact.

The students that are leaving were chosen carefully and the move to a smaller, one-on-one, instructional environment should be good for them. But... I worry that the loss of the group dynamics might also have a less then positive impact on a couple of them. I guess that these are the times when you just have to trust in the future and the ability of people to find their strengths and live up to their potential whether they are with you are away from you. I'm not a control freak. Really.

Anyways. It's raining again.
I actually really like the rain but, today, it just seems appropriate for the mood of the day.

EDIT: How right I was. What a dreary day this turned out to be. There are days when I am very proud of the company that I work for. This is not one of those days. This whole week has been one that has really made me somewhat ashamed of my administration. Staff morale is low and it appears as though "power and control" are more important than integrity and respect. *sigh*

It's raining ...

2005-10-26T20:06:00.000-07:00

And Yibbyl is out of town for the rest of the week.

It was a lousy day at work today.

So was yesterday.

I'm going to bed early tonight.

:(

~M~

Open House ...

2005-10-24T10:37:00.000-07:00

I started this last week and then got so busy that I wasn't able to finish or post it.

I guess that I'll just recap a few of the highlights and move on since time is almost nonexistent these days.

Our school Open House was last Wednesday evening. Eight of my fourteen students came through the classroom and showed off their work. Many other students wandered through, too, and were very interested in what we were doing. We have a fairly popular classroom since we're always doing something fun (or so it seems from the outside). This was an especially poignant evening since I will be losing three of my kids when they open a new classroom on the 31st of this month.

The young man I that spoke of in the last entry was not able to come to the Open House but he did write me a note this last Friday that said how glad he was that he was still in my classroom and not changed to another room. That's sure worth a lot!

Yibbyl and the Goobers (my teenage boys) came with me and were able to see just a little of what we do and what it is like around here. They met quite a few of the students and saw some of the other classes, too. A small buffet was laid out in the cafeteria so the munchies were one of the highlights of the evening for the kids.

We all had a good time and it was nice to see my worlds (home and work) overlap for a while.

*****************************************************************

Thursday was Nor Cal Think Pink day in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness. On the way to work that morning I stopped and picked up 25 of the free bags that were being given away. I gave each student and staff one of the bags (after removing anything that could be conceived of as "dangerous" from the student bags) and we spent half the morning talking about being self-aware and responsible for our own health.

We talked about breast cancer, colon cancer, prostate issues and many of the things that men and women (boys and girls) find uncomfortable. The kids were asking TONS of questions and we covered all of the issues with a light humor that made it all just a little easier to manage. I told them to ALWAYS tell someone when strange changes occur in their bodies. Any lumps, bumps, or bleeding that is unusual needs to be looked into. They seemed to really "get" it!

I mention all of this because one of the students wrote me a note today and told me that he was too embarassed to let the school nurse know that he's been bleeding rectally off and on for a while now. After our talk last week he has decided that he needs to take care of himself and have it looked into. I went to the nurse and an appointment has been set up for him. Sometimes those "off the cuff" lessons turn out to be the best ones. When the kids respond and really let what they have learned improve their lives then you know that you have done your job well that day.

This is what teaching is ALL about!
And these are the moments that make me so glad that this is what I do.

*****************************************************************

This last weekend we decided to grab one last camping getaway before winter set in. I'm so glad that we took advantage of the nice weather while we could. We drove up into the Trinity Alps and found a lovely campsite overlooking Lewiston Lake. Just a few miles up the road was Trinity Lake and the dam between the two lakes. We were camping at Ackerman and had an awesome view of the dam from our campsite.

We saw quite a few deer (and heard LOTS of gunshots). This was the last week of hunting season but it sounded like quite a few of the hunters in the area were hunting birds as well as or instead of the deer. We also saw a bobcat run across the road right in front of us. That was pretty awesome! I had seen a mountain lion before but never a bobcat.

At night we slept under the stars and the bright moon (the rainfly for our 13'x20' tent was left back at home!) and listened to the howling and yapping of the local coyote population. The temperature dropped down to about 39° - 41° at night but we didn't mind so much. The beautiful night sky more than made up for it.

The boys did some fishing but didn't catch a thing (well, maybe a cold). We could see some fish jumping so we knew they were out there. Maybe next time we'll have a canoe or something and they'll do better. They seemed to have a pretty good time. I know that I did!

Well, that's about it for now. Take care of yourselves!

~M~

Blech...

2005-10-09T11:57:00.000-07:00

It's a beautiful day outside and I feel puny! Yibbyl gave me his sore throat and general ickiness that he had last week. I guess that's what happens when ya keep on kissin' between the sniffles! Oh well, it was worth it!

I'm making myself get up and get going today. I'm heading to the grocery store so that I can make some homemade calzones for the goobers (good football grub) and plan out the rest of the week, too. Yibbyl has been out of town most of the weekend but should be HOME later this afternoon. Wow. That sounds good. He's coming home. I miss him when he's away. I sleep better when he's home.

I should have been doing some classroom work this weekend but I needed a break so I am taking one. We just wrapped up a unit on ancient Rome and Greece and my class hosted another room (also studying similar themes) in a Greco-Roman Symposium this last Friday. That's really just a fancy name for a TOGA party! We all dressed up and brought in tons of food for the day. We lounged around and watched "Helen of Troy" and, I have to admit, we all had a wonderful time. It sounds like a rather lazy day but it wasn't for the staff. It was exhausting! We received tons of compliments from the administrators but it was the excitement of the kids that made it all worthwhile.

We're moving into themes of "revolution" next and I'm not sure that I can dress up the French Revolution to be that exciting (even though it was such an incredibly pivotal time in the history of western civilization) if we do another theme day. Maybe we'll be inspired as we are reading Dickens.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity . . ."

Well, that's all the catching for me right now. I'm hoping to do some blog-hopping later this evening and catch up on what everyone else is doing. I miss y'all. Be well and happy, each of you, and know that you are always held close in my heart.

~M~

Yummilicious!

2005-09-26T09:40:00.000-07:00

What a weekend! We put over 700 miles on the truck this weekend and that was nothing compared to the driving my uncle did! We headed down to ClovisFest for the BBQ cookoff. My uncle, Jerry King, drove all the way out from Midland, Texas. He was one of just 37 contestants in this brand new BBQ contest.

I've never been to one of these but I'm sure going to go to some more. Some of the BBQ rigs were big! I mean seriously HUGE. My uncle had converted a horse trailer into half living quarters and the back half was an amazing custom made BBQ grill. And he sure knows how to use it! He took 1st place in Chicken, 2nd place in Pork, 6th place in Ribs, and his Brisket (usually his BEST entry) was dry and placed 18th, I think. Ya reckon the family reunion that we had going on there distracted him? I brought a little goody bag home but I expect that the Goobers will devour it before I even get home from work!

Yibbyl paid close attention and learned all kinds of great bbq/grilling techniques. We've also been exposed to such incredibly good meats now that our taste buds may become snobs!

Well, it has taken me two days to write this (I hate that OLD computer at home!) so I'm just gonna go ahead and post it. I miss you guys!

Today's Plan: Find a good computer repairman and make an appointment!

Oh My ...

2005-09-23T14:02:00.000-07:00

I have such phenomenal students! They make me work SO incredibly hard just to keep them engaged and excited about what we do but they are worth every minute of it.

The kids in our environment are often pulled, kicking and screaming, into participating in their own education. They often fight being here right up to the minute that they leave and move on to the next leg of their journey through life. We're lucky if we ever get a goodbye much less a "thank you" or any sign that what we did made a difference (we all know that what we do may take years to truly bear fruit and we're okay with that).

But...

Every once in a while you get a hug, a note, a picture, a card, or some other precious tidbit from a student who made a connection. This (written just as it was) came to me today from a VERY challenging young lady:

Michelle your my bell
sent from heaven to ring.
I love you and only kindness can tell
the joy that you bring.
Cute & cuddly the courage that you have.
You inspire me when no one else can.
Helping to overcome
the nastyness in this world
The students that you teach
get so caught up in your loving swirl.
Enthusiastic and fun
Your hair looks so beautiful in the sun.
Look Michelle don't you understand
I love you and I think that your grand?
Lightly creating a structured world
You help so many abused children
to believe their of worth.
Enthused I am to be at your hand.
I trust you and love you.
Your my best friend.

Wow! She almost made me cry in class!!

~M~

The Storms of Life ...

2005-09-17T19:08:00.000-07:00

I used to LOVE storms.

And then a storm like no other came through my life.

Life is filled with ups, downs, and all-arounds for each of us. We journey through it taking the hills and valleys as just par for the course. Not all storms are bad. Some, like Katrina, can wreak havok and destruction while others merely water the parched ground and bring forth new life.

Yesterday marked two years since the death of someone that I loved.
He died here.
In my home.

Grief and sadness slowly slipped into deep melancholy and, finally, into depression. These are the storms that rage deep inside where nobody can see them. Life became basically mechanical. I went to work everyday. I looked okay on the outside but I felt hollow on the inside.

Then I stumbled across RadioParadise and things began to brighten in my life. There were such amazing people there and their kindness and support helped me through more dark hours than they will ever know. I owe them a debt that I can never repay. I met a few of them in person and I knew that I was, indeed, blessed by finding my way into Paradise.

Most everyone here knows that I met Yibbyl in Paradise. He even has ties in the town of Paradise where the internet radio station originates. We enjoyed talking here and there and getting together when he was in town. This was and is a lovely friendship. Then, in June, something shifted somewhere in the cosmos. I don't know what it was or where it came from but a new storm rolled through and it was a GOOD one. He's much more than a friend. I love him.

I've been offline for most of the last few weeks now and only part of that is due to the excitement of Yibbyl moving in. I know that it goes deeper and that I have been making peace with the past and moving towards the future. I haven't slept well in the last few days and I even had something like an anxiety attack last night. I am so blessed right now but, deep down inside, I know that I've been trying to board the windows of my soul for the big storm that may or may not ever hit. I can feel it but I hadn't really identified what was really going on.

What if, just when you begin to be so happy again, another bad storm rolls through and yanks the floor from underneath you? Can you survive it a second time?

What if...

If I lived life trying to hold something back so that I could be safe in case a storm rolled through then I would rob myself and others of the joys that come with accepting what you DO have and embracing it with open arms. I don't want to do that.

Love, with a net under it, is not really love at all. It's a circus act. Maybe even a very good one. I want my life and my love to be without the net. I do not want to hold anything back. When the thunder rolls and the lightning strikes I want to be standing out there in it, face towards the rain, embracing the storm - come what may.

Love, without that safety net, is what I choose to give to Yibbyl.

Today, tomorrow, and forever ...

Today's Plan: To live life fully and to love unconditionally.

MIA

2005-09-09T21:25:00.000-07:00

Sorry to have been Missing In Action lately.

Life is rolling by faster than I can keep pace.

Yibbyl is well on his way to being here rather than there (yeah!).

School has been insane on so many levels that I can't even begin to get into it without heartache attached.

My computer crashed again. Bigger and bolder than the last time. I'm online almost not at all right now.

I miss RP terribly (was going to try to get there this week but failed) and my fellow bloggers.

My head is swimming in miserable allergy fog so I'm off to medicate and sleep.

Don't forget me and, if you can spare some good thoughts in this time of national disaster, send some this way to the boy from my classroom who is in crisis and nearly homeless at 15.

I love ya's!

~M~

Back to School ...

2005-08-22T17:59:00.000-07:00

I didn't sleep very well last night. I tossed and turned. I had bizarre dreams. I woke up tired and groggy.

Today was the first day back for the teachers. The aides will be back on Wednesday and the students will come back next Monday. Our classrooms are a wreck since the floors were stripped and waxed. We had meetings all day today so I barely had time to even clean off my desk and chair.

We are a private special education school that specializes in severely emotionally disturbed students ranging from 2nd grade through 12th grade. We also have a special class that handles more severely disabled students through their 22nd birthday. About 80% of our students are co-funded by either their county mental health or other rehabilitative services organization. These students are being funded to receive intensive therapeutic interventions that coincide with the school day. Our meetings today revolved around how we can provide the required amount of academic instructional time and still meet the therapeutic requirements. What a precarious balancing act this is turning out to be. We are supposed to be providing 6 hours of academics and 4 hours of therapy all within the same 6 hour timeframe. Without extreme flexibility and cooperation between both the scholastic and the clinical teams this is simply not going to happen. We are each ethically bound to fight for the preservation of what we are there to do.

We brainstormed and tossed ideas out at the speed of light. Many were shot down as simply not being workable by one side or the other. Some ideas led to other ideas and we just kept rolling the solutions around until it really looked like we had scheduled the day to cover both academics and therapy. There may be kinks that we'll have to iron out as we move along but the spirit of cooperation that I saw this morning gives me a feeling of hope that this will all work out and that the students will get everything that they need in order to make changes and be more successful in their lives and that's really what we're all there for.

I had really been dreading this first week of meetings and trainings.
I'm glad that I was wrong. This was, indeed, a good day.

Today's Plan: Dinner at mom's house and a good night's sleep tonight!

Last Words ...

2005-08-18T11:34:00.000-07:00

When I was in my early 20's a friend of mine had a terrible fight with his wife over the phone. She said some incredibly mean things to him in her anger and he started for home to work things out. He never made it. His truck went off the road about a mile from his house and he died from massive head injuries later that evening. Even though they loved each other and had been through some ups and downs she was left with two little boys and the knowledge that she could never take those words back or say she was sorry to him.

That incident made a HUGE impact on me. I don't like fighting to this day. If I can't discuss a problem with someone then I'll walk away and wait until I can. I try to never, ever say words that would leave me in a similar position to the one I described. I try to always leave the people that I care about with positive and loving words since I can't predict when they might be the last ones I'll be allowed to say to them. This is very important to me.

I say all of this because my next-door neighbors, a young couple with a 5-year-old son, had a terrible fight on the phone last night. He pulled up at midnight as she was in her car and preparing to drive away. Their little boy was in the van with his dad. She hit the gas so hard to get around his van that she backed into a steel flatbed trailer and drove it 6 feet backwards into the front of my Ford Explorer. She drove away.

Today she's in the local hospital after an overdose of prescription drugs. I talked to my neighbor and the worry and stress are so visible on his face. I have a broken fog lamp but nothing serious. The steel trailer is dented and his wife's Honda has about $3500 in rear-end damage. Then there are the hospital bills that will begin pouring in. They don't have medical insurance and don't qualify for any assistance since they make decent money between the two of them. Once she's out of the hospital she'll still have to have some counseling to work through what's going on in her life. This is all just "stuff." The important thing is that she'll be okay.

Through the deepest and darkest parts of my depression after Cleve died I knew that death could NOT be a chosen option for me. Not with kids. I couldn't do that. I can't imagine what leads a person to make that choice but I know that it must be a horrible place to be in one's life. I feel so bad for her, for him, and for that adorable little boy who has no idea why his world is so rocky right now.

I told him to just FORGET about my truck. It means nothing compared to what he has going on right now. His focus will be on his family, as it should be. I don't know what the words were that they shared last night as this all happened but, thankfully, they have a chance to make sure that those weren't the LAST words ever to be spoken between them. I hope that they find the words and the love to work through what's going on in their lives.

Today's Plan: Focus on the kind of loving and positive words that last even when they aren't the last ones spoken.

Oh, no! Not me(me)...!!

2005-08-16T07:49:00.000-07:00

NewWaveGurly picked this up from Brian and she tagged me so I had to get this up FAST so that I could tag 5 people before Melanie got them!

10 Years Ago Today
I went back to school to get my B.A. in Liberal Studies.

5 Years Ago
I moved from being a fulltime teacher's aide to being the real teacher in a special education classroom!

1 Year Ago
I was deep in the heart of a depression after the death of someone close to me.

Yesterday
I had a frappucino with one of my best friends.

Tomorrow
My love comes to town and is bringing a truck load of boxes since he is moving in!

5 Snacks I enjoy
* Hot tea and sourdough toast
* Nachos with REAL melted cheese
* Ice cream
* Cheesecake
* Cheese toast

5 Bands That I Know The Lyrics to Most of Their Songs
* Eagles
* Wailin' Jennys
* Sarah MacLachlan
* Chris Isaak
* Gordon Lightfoot

5 Things I Would Do With $100,000,000
* Set up college trust funds for the Goobers
* Buy property, build Yibbyl a lake, plan and build our dream house
* Travel the world
* Set up free literacy workshops for teens & adults
* Publish the books that my friends write

5 Locations I'd Like To Run Away To
* New Zealand
* South Africa
* Chile
* Canada
* Alaska

5 Habits I Have
* RadioParadise.com
* Blogging
* Collecting shoes
* Thrift store/yard sale shopping
* Procrastinating

5 Things I Like Doing
* Cooking
* Camping
* Reading
* Snuggling
* Traveling

5 Things I Would Never Wear
* Blue hair
* Nose ring
* Wig
* Cheap nylons
* Leather pants

5 TV Shows I Like
* West Wing
* CSI (all of them)
* House
* Law & Order (all of them)
* Numbers

5 Movies I Like
* The Princess Bride
* The Shawshank Redemption
* The Green Mile
* The Power of One
* Rocky Horror Picture Show

5 Famous People I'd Like To Meet
* Sarah MacLachlan
* Chris Isaak
* His Holiness the XIVth Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gyatso
* Nelson Mandela
* James Patterson

5 Biggest Joys At The Moment
* The Goobers
* Yibbyl
* RadioParadise.com
* My Students
* Memories of Reinstock

5 Favorite Toys
* My dell
* My 4x4
* My Sony boombox
* My digital camera
* My silicone bakeware

5 Tag Teamers
* Yibbyl (I wanna know everything there is to know!)
* Jason (This is gonna be GOOD!)
* BHD (She doesn't have enough to do right now!)
* Jay (He has too much free time right now!)
* Jennnn (She needs to be initiated into blogging tag!)

It's back ...

2005-08-15T23:04:00.000-07:00

My computer!

It tooks hours of frustration and about 500 reboots but it began when Goober #1, Kevin, asked to play around with it and see what he could do. Well, he managed to bypass the error message and log onto Windows as an alternate user but when we moved the tower back to my desk it took 3 hours to get back to that point and get it back to windows. What a nightmare!

But we didn't give up and finally we made it back in. By then I had seen that reboot message so many times that I knew it was a bad registry file that was hanging the darn thing up and not a fried harddrive like we had feared. With Yibbyl's help we managed to restore the system settings to a pre-breakdown date and then BINGO! It's all better and back to normal and all it cost me was a lot of time and some frustration.

Thank you Kevin and Kurt!

Today's plan: Cold Stone treats on me this weekend for my wonderful guys!

The greatest music on the internet is at...

2005-08-13T18:19:00.000-07:00

Try it...
You'll LOVE it!

Emotional Vampires ...

2005-08-12T07:19:00.000-07:00

They suck.

They can be a member of your family, a co-worker, a friend, a stranger, or even a kid.

There a joy suckers, sympathy suckers, attention suckers, drama suckers, and just about any other kind that you can think of.

They may come to you and pour out some story that grabs your attention and you can earnestly offer some ideas or support but after about the 4th or 5th time you know that nothing you say will be tried. They don't want the answer to the problem at all. They just want your responses, your time, and your emotional investment. As soon as they tap your well dry they simply move on to the next person. When they've run through them all then they are back again, hoping that you've refilled since the last time so that they can tap in for some more.

Have you ever tried to share one of your problems with an emotional vampire? Ha! Good luck with that! They won't have time for you and they certainly won't have the energy or empathy to be able to give you any support whatsoever. In fact, they may even be offended that you even dare to bring your problem to them as it chances lowering their carefully horded supply of emotions. They'll have to leave quickly and find someone that they can talk to about how insensitive and callous you just were!

You can try telling an emotional vampire how you feel but, I can assure you, that will backfire on you. They will be either be angry that you could even think such a thing after ALL the time they've spent with you or they may appear to be crushed that think so poorly of them. Either way you'll be the bad guy and they will never admit that what you're saying has any validity whatsoever. And you shouldn't ever mention to your other friends how you feel either because they may just adore that person and tell them what you've said.

Interestingly enough, emotional vampires can be really popular people. Some people are drawn to the drama like moths to a flame. Most people are truly good-hearted and they will just keep feeding these vampires without even realizing what they are doing. In fact, it probably makes them feel GOOD for being so helpful to someone else (even if it is over and over and over again). So, seriously, keep your thoughts to yourself if you know what's good for you.

About the best way I've found to deal with these insidious creatures is to use humor in your responses to them. It doesn't quite fill them up the way your other emotional responses would and they leave still hungry. Another thing is to turn your tap off. Give short, noncommittal responses that really offer no emotion but just ackowledge that yes you hear them. Again, this will have them leaving still hungry and not quite sure why since you used to be a veritable feast up 'til now!

Anyone else ever met anyone like this? What'd you do? Enquiring minds wanna know!

Today's Plan: Eat more garlic!

EDIT: I just wanted to add that this in NO way refers to people who live everyday lives and share their joys and griefs with their friends. Friends give and take emotionally. There is always an ongoing reciprocity. Emotional vampires do NOT give back. They just drain you dry and move on to the next one. I would hate for any of my friends to suddenly feel tense or unsure about sharing with me in case they were mistaken for this. Make no mistake, I do know the difference! I would gladly want to help carry any burden for those I love. I am even apt to try to help total strangers 'cuz that's just how I'm made. All clear now?

I am ...

2005-08-09T10:56:00.000-07:00

Just really thinking about some things lately.

Part of that can be attributed to reading thought provoking blogs like the one that Yibbyl has right now.

Am I the person that I want to be?
If not, why?
What would I like to change about myself?
Why don't I just get busy doing that instead of just thinking or talking about it?

I ~~would like to~~ will be more patient (especially while driving!).
I ~~would like to~~ will stop being a packrat.
I ~~would like to~~ will stop procrastinating decisions/actions.
I ~~would like to~~ will start now.

Today's Plan: Load the truck and make the first delivery of stuff that I'm letting go of.

Rewind and Fast Forward ...

2005-08-04T14:39:00.000-07:00

This has been the fastest summer ever!

I've been on vacation since last Thursday and so much has already happened.

My trip to Pasadena (to meet my fellow RadioParadisiacs) was intensely fulfilling. My internet family rocks! I'll remember this trip and these wonderful people as one of the most incredible events of my life. While I was there I went ocean fishing and didn't even get a nibble but I loved it. I wanna go again!

My goobers (15 year old twin boys for any newcomers) come home next Saturday after spending the whole summer with their dad back in Missouri (Misery!). I can't believe how much I miss them every year when this happens but I am so glad that they get to spend the time with their dad.

There is so much that I could say about the man in my life if he didn't leave me so speechless.
He amazes me on a daily basis. I love who he is and what he stands for.

He holds my hand.
He hugs me.
He watches me sleep.
He makes me smile.
He makes my heart leap in my chest.
He adds new meaning to my life.

Today's Plan: To get ready for the boys and to plan something extra fun for their homecoming!

Magic in the Emerald Forest ...

2005-07-24T23:14:00.000-07:00

That's where I spent the weekend.

12 acres under the canopy of giant redwoods on the California coast near Trinidad. The fog rolled in and temperatures varied from the mid 50's to the low 60's.

Patricks' Point, just north, was beautiful. Wedding Rock (where we heard there really was a wedding going on) and Agate Beach were filled with flora and fauna that seem exotic compared to my hotter habitat inland.

The whole weekend seemed magical but I know that it was the company more than anything else.

I think that the magic is really all about taking the time to enjoy where you are, what you are doing, and who you are with.

Today's Plan: Enjoy the moments....they add up to a lifetime.

It's in the blood ...

2005-07-20T19:48:00.000-07:00

Or not.

So a few of you know that I've been having lab work done the last couple of months after my iron dropped dramatically low and I couldn't give platelets (I'm not allowed to go back until the doctor clears me again).

Well, the dang iron capsules are freaking HUGE! 150mg. of green clogger upper (TMI!). Blech!

My iron level has increased back into low normal ranges but something is not making her (my doctor) happy. I'm not really sure what it is or even if she's sure there's something wrong. It sounds more like she just wants to be sure and cover all the bases about some of my numbers being a little wonky. I seem to be bruising extremely easy. And I'm tired. Excessively tired. I fell asleep in the waiting room of her office!

I've been referred to a Hematologist. That's just a blood doctor, right? No big deal.

I have blood. Plenty of it. And needles don't scare me either.

More poking and prodding coming my way (and I'm not talking about the GOOD kind either!)...

Other people need some good thoughts right now so how about some strong energy for Lexie and a GREAT job, BHD's house closing without further ado, Jay finding the best job, and, above all else, peace for Kelli and those who care about her.

Send positive thoughts to these good people. Thanks!

Today's Plan: Focus on the weekend - ocean camping and cool breezes.

Boy, oh, boy!

2005-07-14T13:28:00.000-07:00

That's right.

The boys have lost their minds this week!

Okay, two thirds of them have. I only have three boys in the classroom right now (and ten girls). One of the boys has suddenly become the most charming, attentive, well-behaved young man that you could ever imagine. He frequently leads the classroom group activities and has been maintaining very high behavior scores for two weeks now.

Then there are the other two. Polar opposites. One is autistic (with possible onset of schizophrenic/delusional episodes) and the other one was labeled as mentally retarded until we fought very hard to have that removed and a more formal diagnosis of specific learning disability put in place. The former has had an explosion of pubescent hormones which, while covering his pale frame with wild tufts of black hair, has also scrambled his fragile mind. He attacked 3 different people today and has difficulty even articulating why he is feeling like a grunting, flailing wild man. The other one, usually a quiet bible toting young man who also happens to have a serious case of diabetes, got up from a bench and and tried to pound another young man who was about half of his 250 pound size.

Now we have some male staff on the campus but they certainly don't happen to be in MY room. I have two fulltime female instructional aides (awesome women!) who happen to be about 10 years older than I am. We tend to run this classroom smoothly and efficiently and are proud of the fact that we have fewer behaviors in our room than any other classroom on the campus. Until this week, that is. I have no clue what's going on. The heat maybe? It's been around 105° - 108° most of this week. Puberty? One is a 17 year old late bloomer and the other one is a 15 year old early bloomer. Is Mercury in retrograde again? There's only half of a moon out so I know it is not that. I'm going to end up bald (from pulling my own hair out) if I can't figure out what's going on and how to help them. Math, English, History, or Science seem fairly unimportant on the scale of trying to help someone save their own sanity.

If it makes me feel this bad and helpless then how incredibly awful it must be for them.

It makes my brain hurt and breaks my heart for them.

Today's Plan: Take deep breaths, think outside the box, & don't give up.

When Death Comes by Mary Oliver

2005-07-12T18:57:00.000-07:00

For Kelli...
Who always does things on her own terms.

When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn;
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse

to buy me, and snaps the purse shut;
when death comes
like the measle-pox

when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,

I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering:
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth,
tending, as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.

When it's over, I want to say all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it's over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.

I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.

I don't want to end up simply having visited this world.

~Mary Oliver~

Home ...

2005-07-10T23:13:00.000-07:00

10 days gone and just now back home.

I did not want to get back into my Explorer and drive away.

I hated it.

Just before I went to my conference last Wednesday I came down with a killer case of sore throat. It was awful! The coral reef was growing inside my throat! Swallowing was excruciating for days and days (and nights, too!).

I was sicker than I've been in a very long time. I finally saw the doctor (walk-in clinic) on Friday afternoon and she put me on HUGE antibiotic pills for the nasty owie on my tonsils (yes, I still have them!) and she also prescribed something wonderful called "Magic Mouthwash" that finally let me get some sleep after 3 days of tossing, turning, and getting up. I had to have been terrible company! I just wanted to sleep and even that wasn't easy between the burning up and shivering cold spells. I was a mess!

And, through all of this, Yibbyl was so sweet and so tender. I even ate his ice cream while he was at work and he didn't mind! He went and got soup and he had it all ready for when I woke up.
He kept giving me plenty of cold water to drink when I was hot and he snuggled with me when I was cold.

Last night it was time to load up and come back home and I wanted to just sit down and cry. I didn't want to leave there or leave him. I really don't even have the words to express how much he touches my heart in the big and little ways.

Wanna know a secret? I love him.

Today's plan: To dream and plan of a new future...together.

While I'm Away ...

2005-07-05T08:41:00.000-07:00

I'm still not home and won't be for a few more days.

But, while I have the opportunity, I wanted to check in.

This has been such a fantastic week. I met some of Yibbyl's best friends and immediately liked them! I really enjoyed the time that we spent visiting.

I had a great day on Sunday at Marine World. We rode a couple of the rollercoasters, saw the dolphin show, then the killer whale show, and ate junk food until we were dizzy with sugar overload. But the coolest thing for me was the stingray tank. I was able to reach over and pet them as they came gliding by. That was wild! After a few timid touches I finally managed to stroke one from the top all the way to the bottom and along it's tail. Then it did this startling backflip and swung back around right underneath my hand! It reminded me of a cat sliding under your hand for some more loving. I, of course, was happy to oblige and almost had to be dragged away from that tank since I was loving it, too! We walked a ton and my feet were sore the next day but I wouldn't have traded it for anything.

Yesterday we were invited to BBQ and visit with Jas and his lovely wife and adorable daughter. Also in attendance were two friends of the family (K & L), one teddybear hamster and one cat. K had to leave shortly after we ate but we had plenty of time to visit with L and we decided that we adore her and are going to adopt her as our friend, too, whether she likes it or not!

Around 6pm we loaded up in the cars and headed over to Cal Expo to watch a magnificent fireworks display and had the chance to meet Jen, Monkey, and their family, too. Most of the pyrotechnics were accompanied by patriotic songs but my favorite, by far, was the segment where they played the Louis Armstrong song, What a Wonderful World, and they matched the fireworks to the lyrics! "Fields of green" - green flashes of brilliance, "red roses, too" - red flashes of brilliance, "skies of blue", "colors of rainbow," all the way through until he sings of the faces of people going by and then there were happy face fireworks in the sky! I kid you not! Smiley faces all around us in the night sky! And when he sang that the looks and how-do-you-do's really said "I love you" there were red hearts all around us in fireworks! I'm a sentimental fool, perhaps, but it made my eyes get all misty.

And through it all my hand was being held by Yibbyl.

I cannot begin to tell you how incredibly blessed I feel.

Today's Plan: Make sure that man knows how lucky I feel to have found him.

Timeout ...

2005-07-01T15:51:00.000-07:00

I'll be away for a while.

Carry on blogging without me!

Love ya's!

~M~

3 + 1 = Family

2005-06-30T20:43:00.000-07:00

There are looks and then there are glances
Breathing deeply and taking chances
Smiles on the lips that climb to the eyes
Long warm hugs and blissful sighs

A voice on the phone that brings a grin
A heart-door opens and love slips in
The words are tremulous and hang in the air
But once they are spoken two souls lay bare

It takes courage to be both vulnerable and brave
To ask for the love that your heart does crave
But when you send it out and it returns to you
Then you know for sure it was real and true

Your lover and partner is still your great friend
So you plan and arrange for these two lives to blend
Antcipation, excitement, and so much more
As this family of three now becomes four.

July & August shall be months of transition.

Wow...

Time ...

2005-06-30T05:54:00.000-07:00

Summer school. Oh, joy!

Actually I don't mind working and I certainly know that the students in my classroom need every bit of extra time that they can get. Retention is an ongoing battle for many of these young men and women.

So, here I am. I'll work today and then have 5 days off for the July 4th holiday weekend.

Then... I'll be at a 3 day conference on a new program that we'll be using this coming school year: Aggression Replacement Training.

Then another weekend off.

My kids won't see me for 10 days!

This will almost be like a vacation even though I'll have to be learning, too!

I hope that you are all having a lovely summer!

Today's Plan: Make special contact with each student today.
Ensure that the next week will be a fun learning experience for them.

What's in a Name ... ? (I wish I was ALL that!)

2005-06-29T18:41:00.000-07:00

Okay...I finally backtracked so that I could credit the blog where I found this little gem.

Thank you , Karla!

M	Mesmerizing
I	Intense
C	Charming
H	Honorable
E	Emotional
L	Luscious
L	Loving
E	Extreme

B	Beautiful
L	Light
U	Unique
E	Entertaining
Y	Young
E	Enchanting
S	Sultry

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

What ... ???

2005-06-28T20:21:00.000-07:00

What is the "meaning" of life...?

What does "love" mean to you...?

Do we have a purpose...?

Are Destiny and Free Will mutually exclusive...?

Is Truth absolute or is it just open to anyone's perspective...?

Are opinions right or wrong...?

Is there a God...? (Did He make us or did we make Him...?)

Are we evolving or degenerating...?

Is the water safe to drink...?

Just a few things to ponder on this Hump Day...

Jason Three'd Me!

2005-06-27T21:17:00.000-07:00

Ha! You pervs thought it was something else, didn't ya..?? *lol*
Well, Jason got it from Jen so ya really just never know!
We're a wicked bunch o' bloggers!

Threes:

Three nicknames that you have had: Peanut, Punkin', and Missy

Three things you like about yourself: My contagious smile, my naughty nature, and my loving heart.

Three things you don't like about yourself: I procrastinate, my messy desk, the extra weight.

Three things that scare you: The idea of one of my children dying, losing someone I love, dying before I've fully lived.

Three of your everyday essentials: Hugs, kisses, smiles.

Three things you are wearing right now: Tank top, panties, and....er...smile!

Three of your favorite bands growing up: The Kingston Trio, Peter, Paul & Mary, and The Coasters

Two truths and a lie: I am blessed, I am loved, and my checkbook is balanced.

Three things you can't do without: Love, humor, and time.

Three things you most certainly can do without: Mean people, hair in my food, and spiders in the bathroom.

Three places you want to go on vacation: Costa Rica, New Zealand, or Alaska

Three things you want to do before you die: Write an award winning book, cook as well as my mom, and see my grandchild accept the Nobel Peace Prize.

This was very interesting. Thank you, Jas!
Now...Yibbyl you are IT!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And...from Melanie who got it from....damn that Jas again!

I'm the Kinda Girl That:

...tickles your fancy (and anything that may be ticklish, too).
...kisses with her eyes open.
...sings out loud in public.
...laughs at herself regularly.
...forgets to check the oil.
...hugs the kids in her class and tells them that she loves them.
...loves to go camping.
...is drawn to water like a moth to a flame.
...knows how to keep a secret.
...likes a cold beer on a hot day.
...loves a hot cup of tea on a cold day.
...eats Oreo's without milk.
...showers with water hot enough to peel paint off the walls.
...shivers and snuggles when she's cold.
...shares her chocolate with strangers.
...dreams of strong arms around her.
...spoke of her love and her dream came true.
...counts the days until the miles are erased.
...listens to Radio Paradise 'cuz it rocks.
...loves her friends and family with all her heart.

...tags her friend Lexie because she is the MOST interesting lady and is sure to have all the right answers!

Public Service Announcement ...

2005-06-27T04:34:00.000-07:00

A lot has been happening in my life recently.

Some people know that and others have probably guessed.

Much of what has been happening has been exciting and even life~altering.

But it has also been kept mostly private out of consideration for others.

There won't be any announcements but there is also less need to be so completely private.

Blogging as been somewhat restrained and much less personal
(even somewhat boring, I guess).

I'd like to see that change and get back to saying what I think and feel...
without so much filtering.

True friends accept you, imperfections and all.
Others will simply sit in judgement.

I'm okay with that.

There are so many things to be thankful for right now.

And I am. Thankful.

Today's Plan: To give my friends the freedom to be themselves
... and be loved as they are.

Color my world ...

2005-06-26T21:11:00.000-07:00

I got this from NewWaveGurly who got it from Alison...who got it from...you get the idea.

you are violet
#EE82EE

Your dominant hues are red and blue. You're confident and like showing people new ideas. You play well with others and can be very influential if you want to be.

Your saturation level is lower than average - You don't stress out over things and don't understand people who do. Finishing projects may sometimes be a challenge, but you schedule time as you see fit and the important things all happen in the end, even if not everyone sees your grand master plan.

Your outlook on life is bright. You see good things in situations where others may not be able to, and it frustrates you to see them get down on everything.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

Twitterpated ...

2005-06-26T20:35:00.000-07:00

Wow.

Booked for the weekend ...

2005-06-21T21:44:00.000-07:00

So I've been tagged by Alison .

(1) Number of books I own: OMG - way too many!

I have about 300 upstairs in the house and the wall of books from the old house is in boxes downstairs. I guess that to be around 300-400 maybe. I've also taken about 200 books into my classroom and donated them to the school.I really like Allan's idea about downsizing, though, and using the local library more. I also have a group of friends at work that we all just pass books along and share them which gives us a whole lot of different conversation topics to get into in the break room!

(2) Last book bought: The Princess Bride by William Goldman

(3) Last book I read: Blood Work by Michael Connelly

(4) Five books that mean a lot to me:

* Courage to Heal
* Reviving Ophelia
* Lord of the Flies
* I Heard the Owl Call My Name
* To Kill a Mockingbird

(5) Looking forward to reading: (I added this one!)
* The online books of J.A. Kowing

As for tagging someone: Jason and Yibbyl.
(I don't think very many other people come here anymore)

Today's Plan: Find where I put The Princess Bride so that I can read it while camping this weekend.

Time is precious ...

2005-06-20T22:59:00.000-07:00

Don't waste a minute of it.
Don't put off the things that you really want to do.
Don't let the people that you love ever walk away angry.
Don't let opportunities slip by.

Do tell your family and friends that you love them and are proud of them.
Do take the time to forgive anyone that needs it (yourself included).
Do make contact with people (shake their hand, hug them, touch them).
Do take care of your health (for yourself and those who love you).

Time is so very precious.
Life is fleeting.
Cherish the moments.
Grab life with both hands.
And drink every single drop.
Take as much as you can...
Give twice as much back.