Half a Cup of Blues

Saturday, September 17, 2005

The Storms of Life ...

I used to LOVE storms.

And then a storm like no other came through my life.

Life is filled with ups, downs, and all-arounds for each of us. We journey through it taking the hills and valleys as just par for the course. Not all storms are bad. Some, like Katrina, can wreak havok and destruction while others merely water the parched ground and bring forth new life.

Yesterday marked two years since the death of someone that I loved.
He died here.
In my home.

Grief and sadness slowly slipped into deep melancholy and, finally, into depression. These are the storms that rage deep inside where nobody can see them. Life became basically mechanical. I went to work everyday. I looked okay on the outside but I felt hollow on the inside.

Then I stumbled across RadioParadise and things began to brighten in my life. There were such amazing people there and their kindness and support helped me through more dark hours than they will ever know. I owe them a debt that I can never repay. I met a few of them in person and I knew that I was, indeed, blessed by finding my way into Paradise.

Most everyone here knows that I met Yibbyl in Paradise. He even has ties in the town of Paradise where the internet radio station originates. We enjoyed talking here and there and getting together when he was in town. This was and is a lovely friendship. Then, in June, something shifted somewhere in the cosmos. I don't know what it was or where it came from but a new storm rolled through and it was a GOOD one. He's much more than a friend. I love him.

I've been offline for most of the last few weeks now and only part of that is due to the excitement of Yibbyl moving in. I know that it goes deeper and that I have been making peace with the past and moving towards the future. I haven't slept well in the last few days and I even had something like an anxiety attack last night. I am so blessed right now but, deep down inside, I know that I've been trying to board the windows of my soul for the big storm that may or may not ever hit. I can feel it but I hadn't really identified what was really going on.

What if, just when you begin to be so happy again, another bad storm rolls through and yanks the floor from underneath you? Can you survive it a second time?

What if...

If I lived life trying to hold something back so that I could be safe in case a storm rolled through then I would rob myself and others of the joys that come with accepting what you DO have and embracing it with open arms. I don't want to do that.

Love, with a net under it, is not really love at all. It's a circus act. Maybe even a very good one. I want my life and my love to be without the net. I do not want to hold anything back. When the thunder rolls and the lightning strikes I want to be standing out there in it, face towards the rain, embracing the storm - come what may.

Love, without that safety net, is what I choose to give to Yibbyl.

Today, tomorrow, and forever ...

Today's Plan: To live life fully and to love unconditionally.

11 Comments:

  • What a lovely post.

    Thank you.

    By Blogger Alison, at 9/18/2005 11:36 AM  

  • You are going to to be fine doll.Just fine...Just keep an umbrella with you!*wink*

    I'm singin in the rain...just singin in the rain...what a glorio...hm,hm...hm...hum!

    By Blogger Jay, at 9/18/2005 12:32 PM  

  • Love without a net. Really, its the only way.

    Best of luck sweetie.

    By Blogger Brian, at 9/18/2005 1:12 PM  

  • OK. First, I love you. I cannot begin to express how lucky I am to have you in my life. I think others sense it. You are that special.

    Second, I accept that I have shortcomings and one of them is an inability to recognize what others see as obvious. I am sorry I didn't scratch the surface more and find out about the "why" of your attack. I was too focussed on the task at hand (the move) to realize you wanted, or needed, to talk. I am sorry. I will work harder at noticing those cues and be there for you. In the meantime, feel free to give me a kick in the butt when I'm being too self-absorbed.

    [HUG]

    By Blogger Yibbyl, at 9/19/2005 12:27 PM  

  • this is beautiful, Michelle :hug: both of you are very lucky to have found each other. :hug:

    By Anonymous anica, at 9/19/2005 6:29 PM  

  • What a beautiful thought, wonderfully expressed.

    Love pursued - without a net - and experienced. You deserve this, and so much more.

    I couldn't possibly be happier for you Michelle.

    By Anonymous Tom, at 9/19/2005 10:24 PM  

  • How wise and wonderful, you are. :)

    Congratulations to both you & Yibbyl!

    By Blogger b, at 9/20/2005 4:06 PM  

  • You have such a wonderful gift of communication - no wonder you are a very special teacher. You express your feelings so well, I must admit I am a little envious.

    By Blogger edieraye, at 9/21/2005 9:20 AM  

  • One cannot live their life thinking about the "what ifs" or else it's not living much of a life at all.

    I came to this realization a couple of years ago, and despite that enlightenment, I still have to remind myself of it every-so-often.

    Thank you for a post that reminded me of just that.

    By Blogger newwavegurly, at 9/21/2005 7:35 PM  

  • This brought tears to my eyes. The fact that I was with you through much of this, having heart to hearts on the phone, watching all the beautiful transformations...just moves me! I feel so blessed to know such a wise, vibrant and loving woman! Big hug for my California sister.

    By Blogger Lexie, at 9/29/2005 7:28 AM  

  • "Love, with a net under it, is not really love at all. It's a circus act. Maybe even a very good one. I want my life and my love to be without the net. I do not want to hold anything back. When the thunder rolls and the lightning strikes I want to be standing out there in it, face towards the rain, embracing the storm - come what may. "

    so very true. its time to let that one rage and pass. you deserve the best. enjoy each moment. i know you do.

    ;-)

    By Blogger Melanie, at 10/02/2005 4:22 AM  

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