Half a Cup of Blues

Friday, January 12, 2007

Collective Soul(less) Irony

"Better Now"

Oh I'm newly calibrated
All shiny and clean
I'm your recent adaptation
Time to redefine me

Let the word out I've got to get out
Oh I'm feeling better now
Break the news out I've got to get out
Oh I'm feeling better now

Oh I'm happy as Christmas
All wrapped to be seen
I'm your recent acquisition
Time to celebrate me

By Collective Soul

I've pretty much dropped off the radar since school started back last August. For the few people who do look and check in - I am sorry. Most of you know how much I love working with the kids that I do and how challenging the job has been with 4 principals in the last 5 years and the massive changes that our school has had to go through.

Well, I hate to say it but things got worse. I have been with the company for over 16 years and I am a flexible and creative person so I know that it isn't just me being resistant to change. 80% of the people that I loved working with have already left. The few who remain are more miserable than I am. It is, in fact, their misery that compounds my own because I am helpless to make it any better. We have even more huge changes coming up in the next few weeks. I am cautiously hoping for something positive to come from all of this (even if that means exploring new schools for me).

It has taken so much energy and will to get through the last 18 weeks that there has been very little left for anything other than survival. I have not chatted online with the people that I adore (you know who you are) and I have not even picked up my camera to take pictures or listened to hardly any music. I know that those last two things above all others are a big indication that I need to pull out of the funk (euphemism for melancholy/depression) before it consumes all that is good.

The goobers and Yibbyl have been total troopers in giving me lots of space when I cycle through grumpiness or tearfulness but it isn't fair to ask them to do that indefinitely. I don't want to use medication (though I would if it really came to that) because I truly feel that most of this situational and if I can make it until my contract expires in June then I will be past the worst of it. It is all that time between now and then that has me a little bit concerned.

It seemed like the timing of my dad's sudden health issues and death were just some kind of karmic trainwreck of bad timing. Then, as if I needed something else to worry about, my step-mom was not sober enough to participate in anything at all. My sister and I had to make the arrangements at the funeral home (he died in Oklahoma and had to be returned to the tiny town in Texas where my grandmother is) and that made us responsible for the bill, too. Ain't life grand?

I always seem able to help the kids at school to see the many positive things in their lives despite the other crap that they have had to deal with. And I DO know the great things going on in my own life. Sometimes it just feels like the garbage truck of life is dumping on my head and I have to get out from under it somehow. Isn't that just petty and stupid? I should be grateful. I should be happy. I should just shut up.

I can and will get through this. I miss my friends at RP. I miss my camera. I miss the music.

I miss me.

Today's Plan: Get a plan, find one, make one, borrow one if I have to, feel better then celebrate me.


  • We miss you, too.

    By Anonymous Allan, at 1/12/2007 6:39 PM  

  • Michelle, I just hopped over because you were kind enough to visit my blog and leave a comment.

    I am so sorry to hear about the death of your father. It's tough, isn't it. My dad died three days after your dad, a bit unexpectedly. Yesterday my Aunt died and it was like my dad dying all over again. Life can be really tough sometimes.

    I hope things do improve for you at work but you may want to look elsewhere if they don't.

    Sounds corny, but I'm giving you a big, warm virtual hug right now. Hang in there, OK?

    By Blogger Dan, at 1/13/2007 8:20 AM  

  • We miss you. Hang in there.

    By Anonymous Alison, at 1/13/2007 8:35 AM  

  • When work sucks, it's literal. And we'd like to think the other stuff can be dealt with, but the truth is there is only so much pressure one soul can take. Being brave just won't cut it.

    You already have part of a plan, and everyone is helping, and that plan is to be as kind to yourself as possible.

    Be proud of yourself for dealing with everything as well as you have been. If I were in your shoes, I'd be looking for a tangible way out. That might be accomplished with a change of outlook, but for me that would have to be one helluva mystical experience.

    Big hugs from both of us.

    By Blogger bhd, at 1/13/2007 11:28 AM  

  • I miss you, too.


    By Anonymous anica, at 1/16/2007 5:39 PM  

  • I don't know you, yet. I'd like to.

    Both of my folks are alive and relatively well, but I do dread the day...

    By Blogger Sugarfoot, at 1/17/2007 8:54 PM  

  • Thigs will get better. Just hang in there.


    By Blogger Steven, at 1/19/2007 4:20 PM  

  • Strength, sweetheart. *hug*

    By Blogger David, at 1/19/2007 5:01 PM  

  • sorry to hear about your dad. my condolences.

    By Blogger Brooklyn Frank, at 1/20/2007 12:28 PM  

  • :hug:

    I hope that you find your way back to yourself soon. sorry about your dad. keep on keepin on.

    you have a great support group. always remember that.


    By Blogger melanie, at 1/21/2007 6:04 PM  

  • You've been missed.

    By Blogger CindyDianne, at 1/23/2007 9:23 AM  

  • I'm with them, I miss you too. :hug:

    And we're here if you need us. I hope things have begun looking up.

    By Blogger newwavegurly, at 1/27/2007 10:21 AM  

  • i didn't know about your father. i'm sorry for your loss.

    gosh, when "they" say "timing is everything" they really mean it, huh?

    i am sorry to hear you're going through so much turmoil at work and that it is filtering in through the rest of your life. but, it sounds like those who are closest to you understand and are allowing you to go through your motions as needed and will be there for you when things take a turn.

    the good news is that it will get better, right?

    it is hard not to have the energy to do much else than survive - but writing, getting things out of your head does help...even if it doesn't feel like it would.

    anyway, i know i'm with plenty of others here who wish you the best.

    don't forget to take care of you.

    By Blogger rebecca, at 1/29/2007 4:23 AM  

  • So...This is one very long-overdue post. I know things have been quite tough for you lately. Once in a while, I guess I consciously give you your space, but admit to being kind of selfish and want to spend time with you whenever I get off the road. You know I want you to be as happy as possible and sometimes that requires change. I know you will be fine when you leave that school for another soon-to-be-lucky-to-have-you school.

    Wanna hear something strange? I'm jealous of you for having the "opportunity" to make this change! Didn't see that one coming, did you?!? I've been kind of restless most of my life, desiring something new every so often in order to keep, well, happy, I guess. You can be sure that as long as I'm with you, any change we make will be exciting and make me happy!

    I love you! M'wah!

    By Blogger Yibbyl, at 2/10/2007 11:35 PM  

  • Hi Michelle,

    Been a long time now, and as others have already said, you _are_ missed. Hope you're doing OK, please post something somewhere sometime, so's we know?

    Take care...

    By Anonymous Dave in England, at 4/21/2007 5:09 PM  

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